The thing I really wanted to ultimately say is we need to choose a better way to do business than asking people we don't really know on [first] dates. :)
Your comments tell me I was not very clear about that.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
imbalance of power
I'm going to get statistical with you.
The background: My institute class when I lived in Boston was on relationships. My stake president's wife (with whom I shared a mutual sense of you're-pretty-awesome) devised a curriculum that included all sorts of relationships. Dating was certainly on the agenda with rows full of young single adults, but much of it was about relationships with God, family, friends, and self; having fun; difficult conversations; and so on.
The stimulus: I want to address a position I expressed when we were talking about dating. The general question was is it okay for a lady to ask out a guy (those are my favorite words to describe each gender, I think). I do not intend this to be a thorough or even accurate analysis, but an insight into how I feel about this subject.
The short answer: This was the answer I said in class: I am accustomed to identifying something I want to happen and then making it happen. In fact, I think I'm pretty good at it. If I identify what I think will be a good relationship and elect to initiate something, I'm expressing an integral part of who I am. If he is uncomfortable with that, he will not appreciate that aspect of what it means to be Savanna and probably won't fully appreciate me anyway. Next.
(There are so many assumptions embedded in this topic, one of which is that going on dates as we know it is the best way to form a relationship that will lead to courtship, which I actually don't believe one little bit. Perhaps I don't believe it because I see myself as outside the reaches of success under this system; perhaps I don't believe it because I think the process is fundamentally flawed. I have so much to say about this, but not now.)
Now I'm to the good part. Or is it the bad part?
The position: I feel like in the traditional dating model (guy meets a lady, guys asks her to join him in a structured evening activity, lady accepts or declines), there is a huge imbalance of power.
When I have brought this up, some of my guy friends have replied that women have more control than they think they do over their dating lives because they can issue signals that reveal their availability and interest. If that is power, it is very soft power. It can be misinterpreted; it can be misunderstood; it can be conveniently ignored; it is rarely resolved; it is hardly resolvable.
The conceptualization: I illustrate the imbalance of power problem in the traditional dating scheme using an oversimplified model: one man, ten women. Each is single. Each is singing "wouldn't you love somebody to love?" in their head. At this point, the man can choose among any of the ten women to ask on a date. The value of his power of choice is 10. He chooses one woman to ask. At this point, she has a binary choice: yes is 1 and no is 0. The value of her power of choice is .5. He has 20 times as much power as she does. And the only reason she even has any power is that he offered it to her. The other 9 women have zero power and they will have none until they receive a similar offer. If we distribute this power to choose across all ten women, each has an average power-to-choose value of .05 for each event. Compared to any given woman in this set, he has 200 times as much decision-making power as she does.
As someone who values people having the freedom to pursue worthwhile things in life, I reaaaaally dislike that disparity.
Introduce more men into the system, you say? It doesn't change the validity of the model; if all women in the set are single, every man in the set has an equal opportunity to invite every woman in the set. Scheduling conflicts from women having multiple engagements are irrelevant because they are easy to resolve. Also, the way things usually go, only a few of the ten women would regularly receive an opportunity to exercise their power of choice, even with more men offering opportunities.
The concluding opinion: In such highly critical situations that will dramatically influence each person's life, the power to decide should be distributed more evenly.
The background: My institute class when I lived in Boston was on relationships. My stake president's wife (with whom I shared a mutual sense of you're-pretty-awesome) devised a curriculum that included all sorts of relationships. Dating was certainly on the agenda with rows full of young single adults, but much of it was about relationships with God, family, friends, and self; having fun; difficult conversations; and so on.
The stimulus: I want to address a position I expressed when we were talking about dating. The general question was is it okay for a lady to ask out a guy (those are my favorite words to describe each gender, I think). I do not intend this to be a thorough or even accurate analysis, but an insight into how I feel about this subject.
The short answer: This was the answer I said in class: I am accustomed to identifying something I want to happen and then making it happen. In fact, I think I'm pretty good at it. If I identify what I think will be a good relationship and elect to initiate something, I'm expressing an integral part of who I am. If he is uncomfortable with that, he will not appreciate that aspect of what it means to be Savanna and probably won't fully appreciate me anyway. Next.
(There are so many assumptions embedded in this topic, one of which is that going on dates as we know it is the best way to form a relationship that will lead to courtship, which I actually don't believe one little bit. Perhaps I don't believe it because I see myself as outside the reaches of success under this system; perhaps I don't believe it because I think the process is fundamentally flawed. I have so much to say about this, but not now.)
Now I'm to the good part. Or is it the bad part?
The position: I feel like in the traditional dating model (guy meets a lady, guys asks her to join him in a structured evening activity, lady accepts or declines), there is a huge imbalance of power.
When I have brought this up, some of my guy friends have replied that women have more control than they think they do over their dating lives because they can issue signals that reveal their availability and interest. If that is power, it is very soft power. It can be misinterpreted; it can be misunderstood; it can be conveniently ignored; it is rarely resolved; it is hardly resolvable.
The conceptualization: I illustrate the imbalance of power problem in the traditional dating scheme using an oversimplified model: one man, ten women. Each is single. Each is singing "wouldn't you love somebody to love?" in their head. At this point, the man can choose among any of the ten women to ask on a date. The value of his power of choice is 10. He chooses one woman to ask. At this point, she has a binary choice: yes is 1 and no is 0. The value of her power of choice is .5. He has 20 times as much power as she does. And the only reason she even has any power is that he offered it to her. The other 9 women have zero power and they will have none until they receive a similar offer. If we distribute this power to choose across all ten women, each has an average power-to-choose value of .05 for each event. Compared to any given woman in this set, he has 200 times as much decision-making power as she does.
As someone who values people having the freedom to pursue worthwhile things in life, I reaaaaally dislike that disparity.
Introduce more men into the system, you say? It doesn't change the validity of the model; if all women in the set are single, every man in the set has an equal opportunity to invite every woman in the set. Scheduling conflicts from women having multiple engagements are irrelevant because they are easy to resolve. Also, the way things usually go, only a few of the ten women would regularly receive an opportunity to exercise their power of choice, even with more men offering opportunities.
The concluding opinion: In such highly critical situations that will dramatically influence each person's life, the power to decide should be distributed more evenly.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
à mon avis
Some of the most unattractive things a person can say (and you may assume the converse is true):
"I don't want to know what is going on in the world"
or
"I don't care to read the newspaper because it's only bad news"
[If the second is you, allow me to help you with your media literacy.]
I've heard these statements several times this week, and they are just ugly to me.
"I don't want to know what is going on in the world"
or
"I don't care to read the newspaper because it's only bad news"
[If the second is you, allow me to help you with your media literacy.]
I've heard these statements several times this week, and they are just ugly to me.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Things that MUST happen this summer
In order to count this summer a success, Savanna will...
...in tandem with her collab group, lead her students to meet their summer growth goals (TFAspeak).
...in tandem with her collab group, lead her students to pass the 8th grade math CRCT and go to high school.
...see fireflies.
...hike in the redwoods. Take many photos.
...swim in a river.
...pay my respects to my grandfather who is buried in northern California and whose funeral I missed while I was in Australia.
...generally enjoy the family road trip.
...tour NASA headquarters.
...be an agritourist, by which I mean go see Adam's orange grove.
...find an apartment with a fitness center and a pool, which is pretty much the standard in Miami.
...spend some time with the grandparents.
...spend some time with the mission friends.
...spend some time with the BYU friends.
...visit Utah in order to fulfill the previous three requirements.
...lay on a blanket in Provo canyon and stare at the sky, which must be peppered with stars and embellished with shooting stars
...play at 7 Peaks.
...work out a way to refuse someone's offer to buy me an alcoholic drink with humor and while preserving their dignity.
...move to Miami.
...spend a weekend in Savannah.
...attend a wedding.
...distribute thank-you tokens as appropriate.
...find a pair of attractive and functional shoes for teaching.
...consume a pork salad and horchata at Costa Vida. Or is it Costa Azul?
...update my personal financial management scheme, which right now is vaguely defined as "spend as little money as possible." I need an accounting system.
...get in touch with all the people I said I would get in touch with and haven't.
...create a management, investment, and procedures system for my classroom that I can believe in.
...get a tennis racket.
...decide what kind of tone and tenor I want my professional life to have and deliberately act in accordance with that in all micro-to-macro decisions I make. (I'm starting to see what kind of influence I want to be on people and situations...)
To be updated. Any suggestions?
(notice how I add some things that I am definitely, unavoidably going to do? I need to give myself a few points on the success-o-meter.)
...in tandem with her collab group, lead her students to meet their summer growth goals (TFAspeak).
...in tandem with her collab group, lead her students to pass the 8th grade math CRCT and go to high school.
...see fireflies.
...hike in the redwoods. Take many photos.
...swim in a river.
...pay my respects to my grandfather who is buried in northern California and whose funeral I missed while I was in Australia.
...generally enjoy the family road trip.
...tour NASA headquarters.
...be an agritourist, by which I mean go see Adam's orange grove.
...find an apartment with a fitness center and a pool, which is pretty much the standard in Miami.
...spend some time with the grandparents.
...spend some time with the mission friends.
...spend some time with the BYU friends.
...visit Utah in order to fulfill the previous three requirements.
...lay on a blanket in Provo canyon and stare at the sky, which must be peppered with stars and embellished with shooting stars
...play at 7 Peaks.
...work out a way to refuse someone's offer to buy me an alcoholic drink with humor and while preserving their dignity.
...move to Miami.
...spend a weekend in Savannah.
...attend a wedding.
...distribute thank-you tokens as appropriate.
...find a pair of attractive and functional shoes for teaching.
...consume a pork salad and horchata at Costa Vida. Or is it Costa Azul?
...update my personal financial management scheme, which right now is vaguely defined as "spend as little money as possible." I need an accounting system.
...get in touch with all the people I said I would get in touch with and haven't.
...create a management, investment, and procedures system for my classroom that I can believe in.
...get a tennis racket.
...decide what kind of tone and tenor I want my professional life to have and deliberately act in accordance with that in all micro-to-macro decisions I make. (I'm starting to see what kind of influence I want to be on people and situations...)
To be updated. Any suggestions?
(notice how I add some things that I am definitely, unavoidably going to do? I need to give myself a few points on the success-o-meter.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)