ho voglia di...

mi servirebbero

un abbraccio forte
la telefonata di un amico (qualsiasi) che mi conosce a fondo
il senso d'identita' che cerco da parecchio

senno' mi accontenterei d'un viaggio lungo lungo

it's a parade!!!

Here's a picture of Jeremia, my oft-mentioned three-year-old brother, riding a float in the Longmont Parade of Lights (I think). He's an angelface. This picture was in the Boulder Daily Camera a few days ago.

He is also hilarious. Apparently his new activity is to walk up to people, say "we're in a parade!" and throw candy at their feet. Today's projectile was candy canes stolen from off the Christmas tree.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy am I not hoooooooooome right now??????

I [think I] made a decision!!!!!!

(Please leave comments; I'd love your perspective! The more specific the better! I'm really tired and I want to go home so I'm not going to try to write this well, but here are my ideas.)

Decision: I want to become a high school civics/social studies teacher with eventual intent to be a principal when the inevitable little people that look a bit like me are old enough. Or whenever.

The buildup: I've been telling Mr. Stumpf, my high school principal and mentor of sorts, for years that I'm interested in his occupation. His advice has always been to teach first so the other teachers don't look at you as an ivory-tower administrator, which I guess is another way to say out-of-touch idealist. When I make decisions it always takes a lot of talking myself into it so I get beyond just the abstract feeling that I want to do something to specific reasons why it is okay and fits in with my life goals.

What was it about today that convinced me: I went to a media literacy conference today, and got paid for it (sometimes I <3 temping), and realized that as a social studies teacher, I would need to read the newspaper every day, and that made my lil NYT-loving heart sing. Then I had a moment. Then I met a lady who was a teacher for 35 years and works in teacher development at Fenway High and invited me to just come hang out there. Yes please. Then I made a decision and felt right from the inside out, kind of like how I feel when I realize I love someone, the feeling that makes me cry.

What I'm looking foward to: loving those teenagers--even the unloveable ones, helping them understand their world and empowering them to influence it, processing current events together, gathering around the television when something dramatic happens, having an insta-community both of students and of coworkers, parent-teacher conferences, high school sporting events, lots of time to develop my interests and talents and to travel during the summer, maybe even to start a non-profit or something if I happen to feel like it, being a renegade, creating interactive lesson plans where the students can use their own agency to learn, being in the thick of real-life issues, civic engagement, politics, forgiveness of student loans, throwing my heart into something, dressing like a professional, having to learn new things all the time, teacher development conferences, being charming and enthusiastic, etc., etc.

My reservations: The thing that bothers me most about teaching is preparing people to do what I will never do myself. I went to a lecture by the U.S. Secretary of Education a couple of months ago and one of her education reform ideas is that high schools should have more adjunct staff, people with real life experience, to come in and teach kids. I would feel cooler as a social studies teacher if I had been involved in public service somehow. Also I always worry about if something is prestigious enough to justify using my endless reserve of brilliance on it. And if I would be good enough. (Those previous two statements are contradictory.) Also I'm scared of kids who don't want to learn, but I might be able to get to them too. Also I'm scared of decorating a classroom. And of my voice getting tired. And of being boring.

I did my internship as a high school teacher in Italy, and by accident too. Maybe it wasn't by accident after all!

What I need to do next: talk to people I love and admire and get their reaction (comments please!), talk to the lady in my ward here who is an assistant principal, talk to my high school principal and social studies teacher, learn Spanish, choose a graduate school, get an education-related job now.

The end. Please reply.

"Come what may, and love it"

My Google Reader just told me that a lovely lovely man died last night. I have been admiring Elder Wirthlin more and more over the past couple of years because of the eloquent messages of his conference talks, so I wanted to write a quick note. This was one of the most powerful General Conference moments for me. You need to have watched it to know just what I mean.

("Come what may, and love it" is from his most recent talk. His mother used to say it to him.)

Joseph B. Wirthlin, Oldest Apostle, Dies, Age 91
SALT LAKE CITY 2 Dec 2008 Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, the oldest living apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, died last night, age 91. Elder Wirthlin had gone to bed at his Salt Lake City home, and died peacefully at about 11.30 pm of causes incident to age.... He had continued to work at his office right up until the Thanksgiving holiday.

On the way to a $2.08 Taco Bell meal

A conversation I had last night:

him: so do you want to end up in Boston?
me: not necessarily. I think I could be happy in many places.
him: you seem to move around a lot. I don’t think you’ll ever settle anywhere.
me: I think it’s just that I’m looking for something.
him: what are you looking for?
me: I don’t know, but I’ll know when I’ve found it.

That is a good question. This is what I want, and I don't think it's too far out of reach (heh):

1. know everything
2. know everyone
3. understand everything
4. understand everyone
5. love perfectly
6. be loved perfectly
7. create
8. be able to communicate perfectly
9. do all these things with integrity (in correspondence with truth)
10. do all these things with grace

Prelude to Thanksgiving: Wednesday

I'm getting ready for Thanksgiving Day by being thankful today for


-beautiful weather
-that I could walk to work
-Thomas L. Friedman
-$2 Taco Bell lunch
-feelings of peace
-clean eyeglasses
-ideas for my talk in church on Sunday
-my immortal Danskos
-my sense of humor, which every day overcomes boredom, self pity, and discomfort in awkward situations
-the secret stash of hot chocolate the guys at work told me about
-the gathering of friends that is coming tomorrow

Prelude to Thanksgiving: Tuesday

And today...

-a clean, if not matching, pair of socks
-clean air after the rain
-protection from that car that seemed intent on killing me
-my MTC district is home and I’m slowly reconnecting
-airplanes
-resurrection
-a certain box of stuff
-Google reader
-Brad P’s wardrobe in Ocean's 11
-Casey C for encouraging me to go to the Tday parade in NYC
-the guy who called in who had an Australian accent...a real one...who said "that's the one!"...sigh.

Prelude to Thanksgiving: Monday

Why I'm thankful today:

-it wasn’t as cold as I thought it would be
-Gmail chat
-the Boston skyline
-the new job database I found, basically a conglomeration of all the disparate searches I’d been using
-my long red wool coat
-people being really nice at work
-free painkillers in the kitchen
-my dad’s goodness
-my car
-Christmas smells
-my nicely made bed waiting for me
-Walden Pond
-miracles that allowed me to stay on my mission
-people who see things in me I don’t see
-the bishop in my family’s ward

Prelude to Thanksgiving: Sunday

I'm keeping a list over the next few days in order to express gratitude.

-the tip from Corliss that has my car starting easily again
-Amy W for offering to share her tacos without knowing I’d just walked up the stairs wondering how to overcome my low blood sugar headache
-Colleen for letting me use her computer
-Rachel for our conversation before going into Sunday School
-Rob H. He’s a good friend.
-Becky C—this one is strange. I met her two weeks ago and found out today that she is already moving. I feel so much loss despite barely knowing her. I just think that’s cool, that you can love and feel so connected to people you hardly know.
-Bequis for picking up one of the free temple dresses for me. And for talking more than I do when I visit teach her.
-Nathan for saying my hair is “hot” (new haircut). Don’t know about that term :) but I appreciate the compliment
-Annie. We always have something to laugh about.
-my car not being towed during church. You never know in Cambridge.
-Lily’s visionesque self for listening to me
-a new friend: Edson
-the song “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”
-friends more talented than I am so I can admire them

in response to a more urgent question

[after being ridiculous in my past few posts I thought I'd write about something serious]

I have something, well, a compound of somethings, on my mind. They're often lurking somewhere in my consciousness but today they feel especially urgent. I just spoke with my dad on the phone about some of them, doing more listening than speaking actually. In times like these I turn first to the hope for a perfectly understanding, settled, unruffled friend to appear at my bedside, a human who can help me sort through the clamoring dialogue of my thoughts and extract a solution. Maybe even comfort (dare I say love?) me. I want this voice to be here but I'm not sure whose it is. I know I have friends around here but despite wanting this support, I don't want to seem dramatic or self-centered or complainy.

So. The most obvious balm in a desperate moment is prayer, right? As I knelt down I realized that I often see prayer as a source of spiritual comfort sooner than I see it as a way to access real, actual heavenly power, power that can confront these real, actual, piercing situations that confront me and my family. Doing that places huge limitations on my prayers' efficacy. By the prayer of faith prison walls have fallen, rivers have parted, hearts have changed, and all I ask for is comfort and a vague, distant resolution? Ashamed of my weakness, I scolded myself and pursued a few moments of communion.

Now, having returned to what I was doing before and reflecting on the minutes of calmness since, I do feel that spiritual comfort. I'm not sure what conclusion I want to come to, except that the comfort did come. The solutions I suppose will come later. Maybe I'll be more prepared to participate in their actualization.

Sometimes my behavior is really funny to me and I need to write about it

I just found this receipt:

GAS N GO CONOCO
430 W. 1230 N.
PROVO UT

7/19/04 17:49

UNLD 1.093G
PRICE/GAL $ 1.899
FUEL TOTAL $2.08

(It must have been on my way home from work, an incredibly boring job at a law firm that I had for three weeks before I quit in favor of the teaching assistant job the political science department had invited me to take. Those are the best jobs, the ones where they come looking for you...)

Anyway, I'm trying to work out why I would have bought just one gallon of gas. I do vaguely remember getting to work with the fuel-o-meter reading 0 miles to empty. The Gas N Go was across the street. I paid with my debit card, so it can't be that I had only $2 in the car. It can't be that I was in a hurry, because I would have at least gone for three gallons. I was to leave in less than two weeks for a month to volunteer at the Olympics, but I think I would have needed to drive more than 25 miles in that interval. The most likely answer is that I was feeling poor, but $2 poor? It's true that I avoid spending where I can, but $2?

More interesting answer? Anyone?

A cook, a mom, or a bedside VT would be great right now

I have decided today that being sick is very boring.

(The jarumblegated state of my brain right now is evident in this post. It's kinda worthless. You don't have to read it.)

I was the last of the four roommates to fall. Hopefully that means I'll have the fastest recovery? Of all the people I know who have been sharing this boredom-inducing virus, no one has gotten over it in less than a week. I'm less concerned about the congested nose and lungs, tissue-scratched upper lip, interrupted sleep, weakness, discomfort at loud noises, unexplainable ear pain, and achy neck and upper back than about not being able to go do things.

I did manage to get Vika to the airport by 5:15 am, sleep a few more hours, read Alma 22 and a chapter about the duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, run down to the mailbox (yay! letter from Down Under!), reopen an application to Emerson's MA in Journalism that I'd apparently started in 2005, email my representative about presidential inauguration tickets, apply to and get rejected by a temping agency (what!?), and watch some episodes from Annie's stockpile of The Office DVDs. But still.

Oh! And all these incongruent cravings for foods that are not in my house. Buffalo wings? Who craves buffalo wings? And really good ravioli al burro fuso. And a cheeseburger from an undisclosable fast-food establishment. And chocolate. And anything warm and tomatoey. And risotto. One may conclude by looking at this list that what I'm hungry for is comfort.

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

...when you're fast asleep.

Cinderella's words sing to me right now. I awoke this morning from a dream that I was explaining to a young lady about my age that she did in fact have a purpose, that she had a definite, unique role to fill in her community and that she was doing that very well. She was in some way superior to me and I was unsure at first if it was my place, but as I spoke my reluctance faded. Then I had a second interview with HBS. I remember trying to tell the interviewer how creative, clever, and resourceful I am.

Um. Talk about "a dream is a wish your heart makes." I find it interesting that while in real life I've been grasping after a person/place/thing that needs me, in this dream I was trying to help someone else feel her purpose. She was a brunette, and now that I think about it, I may recall that she was wearing light blue and a tiara. Ha, sound familiar?

Hold fast to your dreams and, someday,
your rainbow will come smiling through.
No matter how your heart is grieving,
if you keep on believing,
the dream that you wish
will come true.

(Someone please forward this to The Birthday Fairy.)

autumn is the season for change

i noticed my steps
tracing the left side of the footpath
then, realizing i'd been avoiding
just what i needed,
shifted to the right
and crunched through a corridor of leaves

Look what I found!!!!

This was soooooo timely, you have no idea. Thanks Kristi!

(look for my name!)

Australier on my mind

TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIM-TAMS! TARGET HAS TIIIIIIM-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMS!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Tams

Lost in socialization

I recently entered the ward of the single neo-adult, and I'm finding that I need a map or some other document to navigate its social features.

I spent my adolescence and first few years of adulthood under what I now understand may have been a delusion that I have a particular knack at being a really good friend, from creating to sustaining a meaningful friendship. In high school I saw the same people every day, and in college being in a student ward and in classes and on a defined campus meant I kept my friends (and my enemies, ha ha) close. This stable sense of community, vicinity, and frequent contact made building my social life very easy. The gathering or the new best friend was always next door, sounds of guitars and fun down the hall invited me to join them, running into classmates on campus led effortlessly to arranging activities. From there I could focus on individuals and nurture strong connections, charming with my thoughtfulness and wit :)

Over the past few days, I've realized I actually haven't been as good of a friend as I have in the past, and I am disconcerted by the realization that I don't know how in this strange new milieu. I feel lost. On Sundays, Mondays, and Wednesdays after church events people gather in the gym and over cheese and crackers or fruit snacks repeat the same chatter with each new willing subject. I've never been one for lots of small talk and I don't know how to transition from mingling to real relationship with this as my main type of interaction within the Longfellow Park community. Boundaries of complex schedules and responsibilities and distance have left me feeling confused and sometimes isolated. Email, which I once considered a great way to keep in touch with faraway friends and family, is the first method of communication. Gatherings have to be more deliberate and therefore more elaborate. I'm just not sure how to be there for the wonderful people I've met, where their boundaries are, where I fit in. I am sure that other people need strong friendships just like I do.

(This also leads to strange dating patterns, but that's another story...)

So...am I missing something? Any ideas?

I'm Jeremia and...

Remember my 3-year-old brother who can identify Rocko Momma and predicts that John Cain will win?

The other day, a suddenly bashful Jeremia walked into a room, looked at my dad, said "I approve this message," and walked out.

Oh my laugh my head off.



(This kid is such a treasure. This picture is from the summer, when he announced he was going to make dinner, got out two ziplock bags, and proceeded to distribute vegetables equally into the bags.)

to The Birthday Fairy

Dear The Birthday Fairy,

My birthday is November 10, but you knew that. Can I please have that job at Harvard Business School? We'd be so good for each other, and I'm going to do all these responsible and compassionate things with the money. Email me if you'd like the list. Thanks, I knew you'd understand.

Oh and some cute slippers/cold weather accessories and a real live love note on my car and funfetti cupcakes (not the Pillsbury kind with flat sprinkles, the other kind with the rainbow chips) couldn't hurt either, but mostly the job.

Give Fairy Godmother my regards. I wish I could have come to see her in the ballet.

Love ya!
Savanna

slogan for success

Don't date harder; date smarter: date me.

:)

A tribute to and a call for an Isaiah

So it's late. I went to a movie during the time I would have had dinner. I'm hungry. During years spent in a place I fondly remember as Provo, a call to my friend Isaiah would have had the hunger situation resolved. (Actually, it was more often an IM than a call.) Isaiah was always up for late-night Wendy's, and he would usually drive. In fact, he was always up for whatever I wanted to do, even if it included the risk of post-concert shady-diner waitresses asking us how long we've been dating. Thus developed a great friendship. Then I moved to Boston and started over from social scratch. I miss the Isaiahs in my life and, ya know, would like some more.

I'm only doing this for Kristi

I guess I've been socialized into the blog culture world. Tagged means I'm supposed to erase Kristi's answers and write my own, right?

What was I doing 10 years ago?

* Hmm, it's October. Hatching my way out of my middle school shell of ugliness aided by 4.5-inch black butterfly heels (Remember those, Kristi? So cute.) and a newly renovated friendly persona. Oh, and finishing my first and last year of high school volleyball.

What are 5 things on my to-do list today?

1. Absorb knowledge, probably lose tears, comprehend humanity at the Holocaust museum
2. Visit George Washington University and inquire about the MPP program
3. Call my great aunt Cindy
4. Rest
5. See Citizen Josh in Crystal City

Snacks I enjoy:

* Red grapes
* Tim-tams
* Rainbow paddle pops
* Potato cakes
* Chocolate stuff, but only if it's reaaaaaally good
* Falafel
* Greek salad, but only the real kind in Greece
* Golden Gaytime ice cream bars (yes I am serious)
* Frozen blended drinks

Places I've lived:

* Provo, Utah
* Hamden, Connecticut
* Waterbury, Connecticut
* Longmont, Colorado (Kristi, your fourth place was the same as my fourth place)
* Provo, Utah again
* Crema, Italy
* Victoria (Wantirna South, Cheltenham, Bairnsdale, Frankston, Berwick), Australia
* Somerville and Cambridge, Massachusetts

Five things I would do if I was a billionaire:

1. I would buy you some art--a Picasso or a Garfunkel
2. Build one of those silos and swim in my coins like Scrooge McDuck
3. Buy myself a graduate degree
4. Be a Resolver of Debt for me and my loved ones
5. Learn to fly airplanes
6. Build an actual meaningful thing, like the kingdom?

A list of 8
8 TV shows I love to watch

1. CNN
2. What Not to Wear
3. SNL Thursday Night Weekend Update
4. (I don't know any more shows)
5. Oh yeah, I used to love the X-Files in 8th grade
6.
7.
8.

8 favorite places I love to eat

1. Bombay House
2. Mr. Bartley's
3. Italy. Yes, anywhere in Italy.
4. Greece. Yes, again, this is a country.
5. Sarajevo. This time a city.
6. Armadillo. And we're back to restaurants.
7. Mmm, I tried Ethiopian food this week.
8. I'm clearly not very good at lists.

8 things that happened yesterday

1. Didn't observe a Supreme Court hearing
2. Interviewed the protesters/silent pray-ers standing in front of the Court with red stickers that say "LIFE" on their mouths
3. Bought hot chocolate
4. Spilled hot chocolate on my green coat
5. Admired the Constitution (the document, not the ship)
6. Finally saw the WWII memorial years after watching its dedication on TV
7. Took plenty of vanity photos and looked at vanity portraits at the National Portrait Gallery
8. Exercised tremendous self-control at H&M. Yep, didn't buy anything!

8 things I look forward to

1. Dinner?
2. Getting a jeoooaaaaaaawwwwrrrrrrrrrb that I like
3. Sleeping tonight
4. Visitors in Boston (come visit!)
5. My birthday
6. Christmas in Colorado and Christmas season in Boston
7. Yet-undefined adventures
8. Voting

8 things on my wish list

1. Haircut
2. Warm clothes
3. A ThinkPad
4. Enlightenment
5. A time/space machine
6. Plastic organizational aids
7. An incredibly meaningful 9-5 job that requires international travel. Sigh.
8. Better car insurance?
9. A nutritionist

Rocko Momma

My 3-year-old brother Jeremia is SO charming (it runs in the family, of course). My dad just emailed me to tell me this story. When Jeremia sees political commercials, he says, "There is Rocko Momma. John Cain is gonna win."

I asked how he chose his candidate. Dad told me "Alise always says 'Obama is gonna win.' Maybe he was being a contrarian."

Precious!

Unfiltered debate response

Some of my immediate reactions as I listen.

McCain is so awkward. But many people like him.
Why can't presidents keep cabinet members on when we shift administrations?
You wish you were that guy in the front row, don't you?
Obama is bad at hiding his contempt. Look at his "you're an idiot!" face.
Joe Biden is the best at all of 'em at concealing his disdain.
Barack foresaw the housing market crisis. Is he a prophet? (I ask this playfully, of course)
OOooh! Good question, Fiorra! (What sacrifices will you ask Americans to make?)
Obama NAILED that sacrifices question.
We ALL remember where we were September 11.
I think that one reason Obama's record has been aligned with his party is that he's a freshman senator and that's what you do when you're the new kid in town.
Health care is a matter of human dignity. A right even more than education is. You can live much better without education than you can without health. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness.
In my more childlike days, I believed that having preexisting health conditions was a reason to qualify for BETTER insurance, not to be excluded. Think about it and it makes sense.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Barack. I'm one of those you meet without health insurance.
McCain and his wife don't match.
How ON EARTH is a $5000 tax credit going to help someone who doesn't pay $5000 of taxes? I know little about the tax schedule, but doesn't a single person have to make like $50,000 in order to even benefit from a $5000 tax credit? And children don't work. How do you insure a kid using $5000 of tax credits the kid doesn't earn? US GDP per capita is less than $50,000. Can someone explain this to me? (No, really.)
A 50% tax credit for small businesses is big.
McCain stands while his opponent speaks; Obama sits.
Are they going to have post-debate fact checking again? I liked that.
I have Iraq-war fatigue. I'm sure those in Iraq do too.
Tom Brokaw is gooooooood. Don't trifle with him.
Can't wait for the domestic policy debate.
I wonder if Barr and ...who is it? is Nader still in? resent that they don't get invited to the debates. (Oh I meant Ron Paul.)
Obama has nice eyelids. :)
Oh how I wish America would reread the Constitution.
At first I didn't like that McCain, and Obama too, was using more than one word to answer the yes-no question, but I think his protest was elegantly phrased. "If I say yes, we're reigniting the Cold War. If I say no, that ignores the problem." Reigniting was not the right word to use.
The U.N. Security Council is not going to approve that, but that's a silly counterfactual scenario anyway.
I wanted to hear McCain say "Iran...continue on the path that rocks!"
Why does the word "holocaust" keep coming up in these debates?
Thank you for not saying nuke-you-lar.
I never think of importing oil as a threat to national security, but I guess it is.
I appreciate a good risk taker.
Correlation does not equal causation. President Bush was not the grand menace of the economy.
Good question (What don't you know? How will you learn it?)
Good answer ("My wife would know.")
I want to hear some humility here.
The young people don't have the money for college, and they don't know about the resources that are available to them.
Say something inspiring please.
Sure glad McCain said "comrades" rather than "croneys" again.
Tom Brokaw is a legend.
Only disposable cameras allowed?
That was fun.

My dreams, they're made out of real things

I had a dream last night that I was J.F. Kennedy's running mate in his campaign to be president. Our success came from "riding the coattails of Obama and Biden," a phrase I employed as I thanked the real-life candidates for contributing to our popularity.

What does it meeeeeeeeeeean? Is it revealing of my political disposition and a suppressed aspiration for power? Your vote. :)

Monday

3 coincidences

1) Around 2:30 pm. I stood at the corner of Boylston and Tremont, waiting for the walk signal. Being near Emerson College brought me back to the day in July when Colleen took me to her office to help me revise my resume. As I stood there thinking of Colleen, I looked up and Colleen was on the opposite side of Tremont, also waiting to cross.

2) Maybe 15 minutes later. I got my number to wait in line at the RMV to get my car registered. I felt my blood sugar level dropping and did not want yet another headachy-sick day from not eating enough. The RMV shares a building with Dunkin Donuts. I bought a double chocolate donut and sat down in line. I ate it and instantly felt better (it's not often you get to feel better from eating one of these). Still I felt guilty. I looked up at the marquee to see "AVOID UNHEALTHY FATS" and other diet advice written on the screen.

3) 3:50 pm. I went to the Boston Public Library to use a printer. I urgently needed to print an application for health insurance and income verification. Eight pages total. I had enough coins to pay for seven pages. As I frantically searched for one last dime that I knew I wouldn't find, a young man who later introduced himself as Stewart approached me and asked if he could put a dollar on my print card so he could print his two pages. He left me with 70 extra cents. I printed what I needed.

Fiscal Year 2009

Do you catch a vision the way you catch a cold?

This will be the best year of my life-to-date, so I've decided. I'm going to catalyze by conceptualizing things I want to happen. I have a success story that leads me to do this:

In June 2005, I made a list of things I want to do before I die. I recorded the desire to see Beethoven's 9th Symphony performed live, as well as the aspiration to sing the national anthem at a sporting event. Scarcely a week passed and news of opportunities to do both arrived by email. I found out that the Utah Symphony would be playing the 9th Symphony that September. I bought tickets. Isaiah came with me. Check that off the list. I also got an invitation to audition to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at a minor league baseball game. I'm not a performer; I just wanted to do it. I auditioned, they liked me, and I sang to open the Orem Owlz game on June 24.

May the dream-defining magic still be in force.

What I want during Fiscal Year 2009, in no particular order but divided into time frames according to how much I need to prepare and practice.

This week
-There's an especial amount of uncertainty in my life. I need direction. And comfort. I want to be astounded by General Conference.
-I want to do all the things I've been meaning to do, especially write thank-you notes, mail Bostonasaurus to my little brother, mail letters, organize my room, apply for health insurance

This month
-Get a career-type job
-See Cinderella at the Boston Ballet
-Get a haircut
-Find jeans that actually fit me. This is harder than you might think.
-Get some winter clothes (cold! scary! scary! scary! Do you know how long it's been since I've seen snow?)

Three months
-Buy a computer, more specifically a ThinkPad
-Get an eye exam and more contacts
-Visit Waterbury and see my old house and elementary schools

Six months
-I want a decorated bedroom that somehow incorporates both orange and green in a spirited, classy, pizazzed, Sav-style way.
-Take the GRE
-Learn Spanish
-I want a subscription to the Economist
-Take a [ideally, Harvard Extension School] class in micro- or macroeconomics and maybe Chinese (this is absolutely dependent on getting a real job at Harvard or another job that offers tuition reimbursement)
-Get better at math
-Be a vibrant visiting teacher
-I want a spark of organizational genius

Twelve months
-Save enough money to solidly apply to grad school in 2009, from a test prep class if it's the LSAT to testing through to applications. Oh, and actually apply.
-Fitness goals: this is as of yet undefined, but it incorporates the Charles, Walden Pond, the Massachusetts Bay, my new running shoes, my tennis tennis shoes, the tennis rackets I must replace, the Bunker Hill monument, a jumprope, snowshoes, dancing (ooh! good way to survive the winter!), and living on the fourth floor of a building with no elevator.

Ready for it when you are
-Increased social stability. ha ha ha. This is a euphemism. People usually euphemize to avoid talking about bad things, but by social stability I mean a good thing.
-Missionary opportunities leading to events involving water
-A visit from my sister(s)
-A best friend in New England, or a few
-Monthly road trips (this is actually going pretty well)
-I want to be the most considerate, responsible roommate I have ever been, which shouldn't be that hard because I'm not consumed by school as I usually have been.
-I want to be a better writer. This requires reading great books. Suggestions?
-Okay, I've always wanted a love note on my car. Please?
-I want to experience financial independence.
-Be a better sister/daughter even from far away
-Learn to integrate fruits and vegetables more regularly and creatively in cooking and meals
-Show some appreciation for the legacy and traits inherited from the ancestors by getting to know them
-REALLY settle in. "Bloom where you are planted." Continue to learn to enjoy every moment. Become New England while I'm here.
---
And these are more lifelong goals
-Find what I call "my thing." Most people have a "my thing," what they're REALLY good at and love doing. I don't have one yet.
-Live with happy, responsible, creative, confident little people that look a bit like me
-Develop spiritual sensitivity
-Be reaaaaaally deliberate about life; take control. I am somewhat good at this. I want to be fabulous at it.
---
Trips I want to take this year
-Norway for family history. Okay maybe that won't happen this year because I want to learn some Norwegian first.
-Prince Edward Island/Nova Scotia. Already slated for next spring.
-Florida. I promised.
-Seattle
-D.C.
-Louisiana

Trips I want to take someday
-Sicilia: circuit in convertible when the almond trees are blooming
-Eastern Europe/Russia. Reflect on history, humanity, progress.
-Australia for like a month
-China, Thailand
-Something on every continent. I think the African Savanna would be appropriate.

I know the items on my list are not stylistically consistent. I'm sorry, except not really enough to fix it. :)

I miss...

...Australia. Badly. I want to see everyone connected to my mission. The obvious remedy would be going to my mission reunion in a few weeks. President Coward is moving back to NZ and the next chance I'll have to see a mission president is in 2010. Unfortunately, airplane rides to Utah are not free these days. That is all I have to say.

funny campout joke

Guy at campout: What are you doing in Boston?
Me: Just livin' the dream.
Guy at campout: Oh, so you're a nanny?

HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allison

I am overwhelmed right now, like in a good way, like in a my-face-is-wet-but-these-are-supremely-joyful-and-also-repentant-tears way.

I just got an email from a mission companion telling me that Allison was baptised last month. (I hereby use Australian spelling in this entry. Baptised will be spelled with an s.)

This news about Allison relieves me of SO MUCH of the anxiety I've been feeling lately about my mission. I feel regrets so keenly and always wonder whether I did well enough.

Here's the story:

I felt that each proselyting area had a unique character that needed to be considered when deciding what kind of activities to do to find people. My desire to identify and then do just what was appropriate was so intense that it was painful. (In one of my areas this involved going on the weekly walk down the river that the recovering addicts went on and then going to their crafty class after.) When I arrived in Frankston North, I could feel that there was something VERY specific we needed to do. I fasted and prayed and agonized and the unmistakable answer was Doctrine and Covenants 111:2-3.

2 I have much treasure in this city for you, for the benefit of Zion, and many people in this city, whom I will gather out in due time for the benefit of Zion, through your instrumentality.

3 Therefore, it is expedient that you should form acquaintance with men in this city, as you shall be led, and as it shall be given you.

For some reason I took this to mean that we needed to focus on becoming more visible through obvious service. The day after we talked about this, and without planning to, Sister Mesake and I went to contact a media referral whom we'd tried to call unsuccessfully a dozen times. Peta. This time we actually stopped by her house. It was Thursday. We found her outside. She was moving to Adelaide on Monday. DING DING DING DING SERVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They desperately needed us because she and her friends were few and all had various ailments that meant they weren't going to be able to get it done without a LOT of help. We promised them the help of six valiant young men (the zone leaders, district leader and district members) and they promised sandwiches. Both the lovely sister missionaries and the ladies we'd just met recognized the providential significance of the mere fact that we were there when they needed help.

So we helped pack, move, and clean Peta's house. This was a monumental moving job. She had SO MUCH STUFF. The kind of stuff most people wouldn't want to keep. The house was covered with birdseed from her pet sulphur-crested cockatoo...what was his name? Sweet Pea. The elders sure earned their share of cucumber sandwiches.

So we got the house packed. Peta drove off in her moving van with her pet parrot. We didn't finish cleaning the house.

CUE IN ALLISON!

Allison was Peta's best friend. She had the responsibility of the loyal friend to clean the house after Peta's departure. She had some nerve problems in her leg. We offered to come back the next day and help her get the place ready for move-out inspection.

CUE IN TJ, KIRSTIE, AND CHRIS!

Other best friends of Peta's. TJ was the mother. She was in a wheelchair. Kirstie and Chris were her kids. They helped too.

We cleaned the house alllllllllllllllllll day. It was hot hot hot hot hot. There was no getting rid of the birdseed. There was some ambitious cleaning to be done...oh I don't want to think of it.

At the end of the day, we found ourselves all sitting on the kitchen floor and the topic "naturally" turned to religion. It was Sister Nilsen, Sister Mesake, Allison, her daughter, TJ, Kirstie, and Chris. We found out the kids knew very little about Christ and asked them if they wanted to learn more. They did. We taught TJ, Kirstie, and Chris a few times. They had us over for dinner, even in their disadvantaged circumstances. It was frozen lasagne and trifle and they were so proud of it. They loved having us and I had some powerful experiences teaching them. We tried so hard to get them to church but it never happened.

Allison came for dinner too. We taught something, I don't remember. She invited us over for a Christmas barbecue. She said to consider ourselves family and come over whenever, but that it doesn't have to be about work and to come watch movies. (ha, movies...) She said she respected our beliefs but had her own. That's all I knew because I got transferred and different missionaries went to her Christmas barbecue and I never saw Frankston again.

This is what I heard from Sister Mesake tonight: "Allison got baptised in August. We went to a musical fireside in Frankston. She read her diary and her conversion story. She mentioned our names. I was crying looking back to that hot day packing and cleaning the house..."

Me too, Sister Mesake. It's been nearly a year since we all met. I would have never guessed that out of all those people we met through that service project, Allison would have continued to learn from the missionaries and join the church. These people are engraved on my heart. I feel such release from knowing that the work I put into getting the answer of what to do actually means a changed life. In other words, I feel like I did something right. I feel increased confidence in the process of personal revelation and that I can get the answers I need. The only word I can say about the arrival of this confidence is timely.

A Couplet

O quill, O sword, O Pilot G-2s
You are the only pen I use.

HA! :) I am cracking myself up!

I went to a public service graduate school fair the other day and came home with a purse full of sweet pens, thinking I was pretty flash for getting free stuff. But today while I organized my room I realized I'm never going to use them because I enjoy using only one type of writing implement. So now I just have a bunch of extra pens (do you need one?). Thus was born this inky little duo of a rhyme.

I've been initiated

I got my first parking ticket today. Just $20 for "STORAGE (OVER 24HRS)." Fair enough, because I've been parking in Cambridge sans parking permit for 2.5 weeks now. It's worked so far with a strategic combination of meter parking overnight, a visitor permit, the use of our parking lot on weekends, and a non-permit location protected by roommate pact.

I just found a spot in the secret strip of non-permit parking, and I subconsciously constructed this thank-you song to the tune of "Sono un figlio di Dio." I'm not certain yet whether it's irreverent. I don't think it is because I mean it!

Padre Celeste ti ringraziam
perche' parcheggiato noi abbiam
e piu' biglietti non ne avro' mai.
Posto libero tu macchina hai.


(My Colorado registration expires just about now so I'll be dressing the Batmobile in Mass plates and a Cambridge sticker in a matter of weeks.)

Election Year Reminiscings

I am very protective of my political soul.

I chose political science as my major at BYU because (aside from the fact that they had just discontinued the international politics major) I wanted to better understand, and to love, the world as a whole and its people. That happened.

I see myself as more of a dispassionate observer than an ideologue. I am loyal to idea(l)s (oft-incongruous streaks of classical liberalism, responsibility, populism, liberty, social justice at home and abroad) but not to partisanship. This makes it difficult for me to discuss politics with many people who have packaged party loyalties. If I have talked about government or elections or institutions or anything related with you, you can take that as evidence that I place significant trust in you and your personality.

Election Night is delicious like Christmas. I watch C-SPAN when no one's looking. I watch CNN when people are looking.

My running joke about what I studied: Political science is the only major you can have that everyone else thinks they know more about than you. Think about it.

My dad took me to the Connecticut State Capitol when I was little. I couldn't have been older than five years old. Okay maybe six. There was some scandal going on and TV cameras were following the governor around. They got a glimpse of me and I told all my friends.

My first-grade class visited the office of the mayor of Waterbury. He was also caught in a scandal. I remember seeing him smoking in the stairwell of my elementary school and resenting him for it.

I remember in third grade watching Mrs. Dutil tally the votes from the mock presidential election we seven-year-olds staged and wondering how all those kids didn't know that Bill Clinton was the wrong choice (context: conservative family roots living in semi-urban Connecticut).

I grew up wanting to be a doctor and knowing that it was completely within my capabilities. At some point this meant oncologist, at another orthodontist. If I were to choose now, it would be heart surgeon. Sometimes I regret having chosen another lifestyle, especially since the reasons for which I made that decision have not yet materialized. I changed my mind in October 2001, when my dad took me with him on a business trip to Washington, D.C. The city had an electric and noble energy and I just wanted to be there. I felt the honor and sacrifice that had gone into building the edifices of the U.S. Government. I felt the urgent and agonizing desire presidents have had to govern well as I walked through the FDR memorial.

I threw three parties in 2004. One was a well attended presidential debate party. Another centered around my departure for Athens for a month for the Olympics; the third, my birthday.

2004 was my favorite election year. Campaign finance laws had just been revamped and a new, messy dynamic was emerging. I spent the evening in a TV studio watching election returns and exchanging predictions with the other poli sci students and statisticians. Remember Election Night is like Christmas. This was like Election Night in 3-D Dolby Surround Sound panoramic IMAX HDTV--better than you've ever done Election Night before. Why am I capitalizing Election Night? I became an analyst for the elections in the Northeast. I focused on the races involving Charles Schumer, the most expensive senatorial campaign in the country, the gubernatorial race in Vermont, that race between two women in Pennsylvania, and presidential electoral votes. This involved a 10-minute live interview, questioning being done by Dean Magleby and Dr. Patterson. I said some reasonably knowledgable things and was surprised by an unexpected personal question I hadn't prepared for and gave an embarrassing response. I suspect this explains my B+ in the class despite working very hard.

I detest cynicism. People are mostly good. These good people work for the government. The government was not constructed as it was with the goal of efficiency. Checks and balances intentionally obstruct efficiency. The bureaucracy is how the executive branch accomplishes its mandates, not a dirty word and not something that was designed to make life harder.

I am concerned by public sentiment toward presidential politics. The office of the President of the United States is one to be respected. The man who fills the role now has had enormous burdens and I wish him relieving rest come January 20, 2009. I hope the man who next fills the role is the right one for this unprecedentedly complex global scenario he will inherit. I will teach my children to respect all public officials whether or not they agree with their policies.

i dream of ...lost scriptures

A selection from last night's dreams:

I got home to a surprise waiting for me on my bed--a book, still wrapped in its plastic packaging. I hadn't expected this book to arrive but it felt like I'd been anticipating it my whole life. I knew immediately what it was and opened it. It looked and felt exactly like my green triple combination but without the index tabs or my name engraved on the cover. So it looked like this.

It was the first print edition of (previously) lost scripture, in the early stages of worldwide distribution. My friends and family were there and their copies had already been delivered.

I was captured by the momentousness of the occasion, talking to everyone around me about how exciting it would be to discover the words for the first time. It would take a significant investment to get to know this addition to the canon. As I looked through the pages, I noticed that the names of people I knew and loved were in the stories. The text was not yet divided into verses, just paragraphs. It was commonly understood that this would not be the last of its kind.

I'm so pleased that I remember this dream. It has colored my morning with a feeling of hopeful anticipation and a sense of relief.

delightful discovery

I cannot adequately express my excitement over this moment I had today.

Today to church I wore one of my favorite-ever outfit combinations: a tweedy orangish-brownish single-button blazer that has metallic orange and turquoise threads woven into it with a turquoise shell under it. I haven't worn this for a loooooong time. Oh look, I found a picture. Pretty!!

I noticed something in my pocket and, envisioning pulling out some forgotten money (tithing blessings? ha, yes that was my first thought), instead pulled out a selection of treasures! I was so delighted with this reunion that I ran to a couple of my friends to interrupt their conversation with my news.

These are my treasures:
-the wooden button that I'd noticed this morning was missing from the sleeve. I was fretting over how to find a button to replace it.
-my favoritest pair of earrings, the giant imposter diamonds that I looked through EVERYTHING in storage looking for a few months ago. I never found them and bought a replacement pair. The replacement pair won't stay on with regular earring backs so I've been using slices of pencil eraser. Classy. Now we're back in business.
-a train ticket from Milano to Treviglio (on the way to my adopted Italian hometown of Crema)
-a receipt from an internet cafe in Sarajevo from when I decided to go to Bosnia and Herzegovina over Easter weekend. That trip was so meaningful to me. I'd been wanting to go since fourth grade. I went alone. It was scary. It was part of my great continental quest in 2006 to comprehend the history of human conflict. Sarajevo and the people I met there taught me so much. I made a friend with an old Croatian Muslim lady on the train that I later went to visit in Chicago. The whole experience was otherworldly.

These items allowed me a few moments of revelry. Thank you, blazer pocket, for holding onto them.

I need a star to chase

Reflections/things I've learned during my job search:

I need a high degree of positive social interaction. Every day.
I need more education.
I want more education.
My happiness level is directly correlated with the amount of time I spend under the sky.
I like rules.
I need to be creative.
(I am a contradiction.)
I need a context.
Most people and most systems operate far below capacity. I speak of productivity and happiness. I include myself.
I like ideas.
I also like deadlines.
Apparently I like lists.
I am highly sensitive/responsive to my environment (living/working).
I am much more project-oriented than I'd thought.
Two weeks is just enough unstructured time.
I'm much more likely to do something if I've told someone I'd do it.
I like talking to random people and capturing a part of their personality or life experience.
I love New England. Part of this is its mystery. This makes me think I can love anywhere.
I am too smart and too interesting and too curious for office administrative work.
I don't know what I want specifically but I know now more than ever what I want generally.
Everyone experiences the same interludes of frustration/loneliness/confusion I have.
I need to find work that I can put my whole heart into.
Discomfort is productive.

green eyes

circa 2003: i found another poem on a random piece of paper i'd like to throw away.
motivation for writing: my roommate and i both had green eyes and hated to hear people say "oh yeah, you're one of those blond hair-blue eyed girls."

green eyes are not blue.
green eyes are not brown.
green eyes do not shine
with the hue of the sky
or the rich meaning of the earth.
but green eyes
are the treasure of mystery
and the first breath
and the last charm of life.
they are the thrill of the summit
and the strangeness of love
and the wonder of forever.
green eyes sparkle
not with diamonds,
but with dewdrops;
not with glitter,
but with tears;
not for another,
but for you.
green eyes are green.
not gold, not azure,
not crimson, not gray.
green.
green.
my eyes are green.

sincerity and selfishness counter each other

Elder Holland during the CES fireside tonight used a painting of Joseph Smith to illustrate the pain the prophet must have felt while imprisoned at Liberty Jail. The expression on Joseph's face inspired the desire in me to just be able to be there for him, to embrace and reassure him. It then occurred to me that there must be others I know with the same inner expression who need such an embrace.

I made a goal near the end of my mission to have those remaining two months be the most selfless time period of my life to that point. I don't think I did very well at accomplishing that goal. I also think it's time to make that goal again, especially as it relates to other ambitions.

I've been thinking about sincerity a lot lately because sincere desires lead naturally, effortlessly, to sincere actions. Being deeply there for someone requires a sincere heart--no jealousy, no resentment, no fear--in other words, no selfishness. The barrier called selfishness prevents people from making that connection which will allow one human to alleviate another's suffering by mourning with those who mourn. A heart laden with selfish motives cannot be sincere. An insincere heart cannot be close to another.

So I guess what all this means is if I want to be true to that desire to be there for people that I felt when I saw that image of the agonizing Joseph Smith, I need to learn to fulfill my goal to be selfless.

two impossible things

There's this pop song I've heard on the radio over the past couple of days while driving around with my friends. Here's the catchy line:

"It's like learning to fly or falling in love."

This scares me. Humans cannot fly. Humans cannot learn to fly, not even one step at a time. If she sang "it's like learning to fly...an airplane...a helicopter...a kite," her little comparison wouldn't be so frightening. But she equates one impossible thing to another thing--which, until I heard the song, thought was completely within the realm of possibilities for my life.

Learning to fly = impossible
therefore
Falling in love = impossible

The thought that falling in love is like learning to fly--impossible--adds a new dimension of hopelessness to my future.

:)

I am Zeniff?

I just read Mosiah 9 and found some uncanny similarities between me and Zeniff. :)

It's never registered before how audacious a desire Zeniff had in wanting to return to the land of Lehi-Nephi. In 2 Nephi 5 (588-569 BC), it got so dangerous for Nephi and his people to live there that they had to separate themselves from their relatives. Nearly 400 years later, Zeniff risked his security so he could be where his fathers Lehi and Nephi disembarked, where it all started you could say.

Now, nearly 400 years after my ancestors arrived by boat and settled in what was the Massachusetts Bay Colony, I have returned to the land of my forefathers (the non-Scandinavian side). I've been thinking a lot about my ancestors lately and imagining what their reaction would be to my being here. They joined the church back when it was organized in New England and paid a painful price to move away from persecution and out to the West. Was it a giant act of regression for me to come out here?

Zeniff was over-zealous to inherit the land of his fathers. With real estate prices high as they are, I don't plan on possessing the land of my fathers quite yet. I must say though that I was anxious, if not zealous, to be here.

I am all the wiser for having recognized these similarities. It would be prudent for me to not name any of my sons Noah.

1869 reasons

A categorized list of reasons

Reasons why it's been okay to be underemployed this summer
#61 spontaneous trips to Walden Pond and the beach
#17 free lunch from Harvard catering
#24 meeting all kinds of interesting people at temp jobs
#70 my social experiment with EBT
#11 finding that weird dead centipede while volunteering to clean the temple
#58 reading badly written vampire love stories

Reasons why I love public transportation
#9 guy in lobster suit asking if he could be my boyfriend
#44-49 that group of like 4 black kids with one Asian that fits right in with them
#2 the moment when the red line crosses the Charles River
#72 the lady at Sullivan who yelled at me continuously until I got on the bus because she saw my Book of Mormon

Reasons why I love East Cambridge
#27 Inman Square
#10 all the magnified noise at night--metal scraping, sirens, yelling, trucks unloading, semis
#11 okay that was a lie.
#38 roommates (more on this later)
#89 Lechmere
#68 H&M at Cambridgeside
#45 LDS boys around the corner
#46 Camilla a block away

Reasons why I love Somerville
#1a Colleen (met her first)
#1b Rachel (met her second)
#2 Taco Bell
#65 community softball
#21 firemen neighbors
#90 Foss Park
#43 LDS boys downstairs

Reasons why I love living in Boston
#1 newness
#96 city lights
#20 history
#21 revolutionary spirit
#4 pistachio macaroons at Mike's Pastries
#13 Indian food everywhere
#73 making connections with people
#74 missionary opportunities
#22 Longfellow Park wards
#31 mingling of cultures
#56 the beach
#48 land of the ancestors
#17 proximity to other places I want to be
#100 autumn approaches :) :) :)

just one fascinating day of the best year ever

It's late and oh how I want to sleep, but I don't want today to fade before I write about it. It's been too interesting to lose.

I worked this morning as an usher for a Steven Pinker lecture at Harvard. About 25 minutes transpired from my designated arrival time at Memorial Hall to when the theater manager came to debrief us on the event. The wait saw a most bizarre group dynamic emerge among the seven others who also worked there. Each of the more eclectic members of the group initiated a conversation topic that was in no way related to the previous conversation string. It started with how the one lady refused to take the 79 bus that morning, went to one of the ladies (and I don't believe her) telling a tale of working for a company that was worth $120 or something a share, then plummeted to four shares for a dollar, from getting promised a six figure raise to paying the cleaning lady out of her pocket. Topic abruptly changed to another lady complaining about some ignorant girl that had said recycling isn't important, to which the girl next to me--who had until then been silent--chimed in about recycling is more about the chemicals than the trees. There were no transitions between topics, no logic in how this conversation progressed. It was unreal. One of the ladies coughed, and she did sound like she had tuberculosis, and another reacted by commanding, "don't come near me!"

I did end up having meaningful, completely sequitur, interactions with most individuals of this motley group, enjoyed them, and avoided catching TB.

Oh but the lecture! It was basically about how we use language. I think Steven Pinker is a psychologist, but his presentation incorporated linguistic concepts and even some rational choice illustrated by the game theory model, a staple of economic/political scientific thought. Right up my mosaic-tiled I'm-interested-in-everything-and-most-especially-humans alleyway. Let's see if I can recount this.

What captured my attention then and since was his statement that "When a relationship is ambiguous, divergent understanding can be costly (awkward)." If two people in a relationship (when I say relationship I mean an interaction of any duration or nature) have mismatched perceptions of what their relationship is, discomfort results. I think we all know exactly what this means. :)

Pinker used this to explain why people veil their invitations (a bribe, for example) even though both parties know exactly what they mean. A bribe changes the relationship from one of dominance (a police officer or a maitre d' has power in the speeder's or diner's life) to one of reciprocity (a relationship of mutual benefit). If both the briber and the one being bribed agree to change their relationship to once of reciprocity--if the bribe is accepted--there is no social awkwardness and the exchange occurs. But if the one being bribed is honest, the relationship will become strained because one party wants to maintain the relationship of dominance and the other wants a relationship of reciprocity. An honest police officer can arrest the briber. An honest maitre d' will react with indignation.

That's for the choice between bribe and no bribe. But there's another option--veiled bribe. Example: "I think we can settle this here, officer." A dishonest officer will pick up on the bribe and the transaction will follow. An honest officer is free to overlook the request because he has no outright evidence or basis for arrest. The overall cost of the veiled bribe is lower than the cost of the direct bribe because there is no chance for arrest but there is still chance of getting away with the offense. Indirect language minimizes social cost without compromising payoffs.

Did that make sense?

Then there was something about the importance of making individual knowledge become collective knowledge by communicating. Collective knowledge is the foundation for relationships. I...don't...remember what else.

Fascinating topic. Also fascinating was eavesdropping on the ladies' conversations during the reception after. The lecture was actually an event for a society of retired people who want to continue their education. The attendee's average age was 75. Another group dynamic emerged: that of collectively hating Sarah Palin. It was nearly as bizarre as the earlier conversation to witness the ladies I listened to contribute to each others' unnatural suspicion and fear of the VP candidate. I heard the words "dangerous" and "scare." I imagined the words "stone her! drown her!" It was like "beware the Ides of March" but "beware the Sarah Palin." I would say "beware the tyranny of group dynamics."

Then I got another free lunch--Asian salmon salad--and an extra to take home for the next day. So timely, these free lunches.

My dad called while I walked home from Harvard to tell me his friend had a connection with a state senator who is looking to hire someone and if I gave him my resume within the next couple of hours, he would pass it to her himself. I actually love the idea. The state senator is a Democrat, and I had to tell my dad that I've known a few and I actually kind of like them. :)

Annie waited for me to go to Nahant Beach after work. The waves were way better than the last time I was there for the ward beach day. AND I didn't even get sunburned. I fell deeper in love with New England. I hope New England feels the same way about me. I wouldn't want our relationship to be ambiguous.

a new superpower

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it is street sweeping day. On this day (repeated the first Thursday of the month; can't wait for tomorrow), all the cars in already overparked Cambridge must somehow fit on one side of the street. I found one spot that would have been fine had I been a rockstar parallel parker, but after bumping both cars, being asked a few times whether I'm coming or going, and having a lady yell "it's too small!" as she drove by, I abandoned it. The spot I finally found is on Fulkerson at Thorndike (There! I've written it down. Now I can find it later), which is four blocks out of my allowed radius with the current pass I have. I'm hoping for leniency. I left my house at 8:47 am to move the car and returned at 9:23.

This anxiety and time wasting leads me to yearn for a new superpower. I've entertained the idea of being able to fly (I feel pretty experienced at this since I fly in my dreams at least weekly) as well as less predictable powers like always having the right amount of money in your pocket when you need it and always knowing exactly how others feel. Today I feel urgent about having the superpower that allows me to move cars with my eyes to minimize those agonizing wasted parking gaps--you know, when three cars take the space of five because of awkward parking choices. An alternate, and probably cooler, superpower that addresses this problem is being able to shrink stuff. I could shrink the Batmobile or someone else's vehicle and everyone would fit. But that would be both more alarming and more conspicuous. I generally try to keep my superhumanity undercover. Who doesn't?

Are these expectations unrealistic? Maybe I should just learn to parallel park.

a pocketful of change

Today's project is trying to focus long enough on packing to allow me to move today/tomorrow morning. As I've gone through my room, I've found a collection of coins and memories. I need to get rid of these papers but I want to keep the words somewhere.

A letter I wrote to the Daily Universe in May 2005, which was referenced in the next week's letter from the editor (I wanted to write something positive as a nice contrast to all the angry letters):

On the first day of school this spring term, I set out for my Theories of American Politics class, resenting its early start time with every drowsy step. But along the way I noticed the grounds employees, who assuredly got there long before the 8 o'clock hour, planting the most luxuriant plot of tulips I had ever seen (and I've seen plenty of tulip plots). I didn't know purple came in so many colors.

Promise me you'll pass by the trees lining the sidewalk between the Kennedy Center and the engineering building to notice the contrast of the light green--Crayola calls it "spring green"-- against the deep magenta. Glance at the mountains on a gray day and see a million colors that you can't distinguish when the sun shines.

I may envy my friends who send me e-mails from Vienna, Tirana, Bangkok, and Campinas, but the majestic protection of the mountains and the delicate beauty of the flowers help me appreciate the cool, quiet stillness of every too-early Provo morning. I study in just about the most peaceful place in the world.

SAVANNA NILSEN
Longmont, Colo.

And here is a poemy thing that I probably wrote during summer 2006, when I went back for some more BYU after I'd finished all my requirements just because I wasn't ready to leave. Pretty sure it's about becoming ready to leave. Also pretty sure I studied a lot that summer because it's not that good, but it is sincere.

There stands a young girl
dying so sweet
as a woman steps away
from a place I once belonged.

She's losing but not lost
considering the cost
just trying to fit in
in a place I once belonged

She awkwardly resents
those who still fit there
can I be detached
from a place I once belonged?

Everything she'll want
she knows it isn't here
so I'll try to escape
a place I once belonged

It's not that easy
to find somewhere to love
a place you'll fit in
a place I once belonged

But would it be wrong
to pretend for a day
to hold on a little more
to a place that once was more than home
to a place I once belonged

more-than-semi-charmed kinda life: today's miracle

I have a charming life, whether considered on its own or all things considered.

Not that I should admit this, but today at "work" (I put this in quotation marks because I don't really have a job; I'm on temporary assignment at the Harvard Kennedy School Office of Career Advancement) I was feeling financially overwhelmed. Overwhelmed bordering on outwardly emotional and inwardly distraught. My first installment of rent will take all of several paychecks. I have $17 spending money I've allotted to myself until who knows when, some of which will go to a car wash. Lunch time found me hesitant to pay for the food I needed but hunger trumped my tentativeness. As I walked through a neighbor office toward the cafeteria, the office manager told me to go grab a leftover boxed lunch from some event they had. So I got a Taubman sandwich--chicken salad with grapes and brie--with pasta salad, a great cookie, and Fresca. All on the house...the house of providence!

I'm poor right now, but not in poverty. This I must remind myself on days like this.

What was YOUR miracle?

see you at the airport!

I don't want to write much today. I'm not bringing many things home, mostly treats. That way they won't become more stuff in the house, and food is more memorable anyway :)

We ran into this beautiful girl our age by her car who told us she's Muslim but her brother would want to talk to us, so we went and met him in the house, and he brought out this stack of books two feet high he's received from various people who have come proselyting--he has a Book of Mormon, good news Bible, a big red Bible, several other Bibles, a Bahai publication, etc. He gave each of us a Qu'ran, which I was really excited about because I've been wanting one for a few years now, and I was very inspired by his passion and reverence for his scripture. I think all missionaries should have such an experience near the start of their mission so they can incorporate such excitement into their speaking of the Book of Mormon.

Catherine told us this week she didn't want us to come anymore :( and John didn't come to church like he said, but he's still in the game.

People say that if you just say do it quickly like ripping off a band-aid, saying goodbye is easier. But this hurts a lot more than pulling off a band-aid. One less-active lady we've been visiting said she feels like she's losing a daughter, and Garren and John wanted hugs and I had to tell them no, and after my talk on Sunday Bishop Skibbe thanked me and my companions and told everyone we've been very committed sisters. (I sometimes wish I could see this myself; we often feel acutely our weaknesses and mistakes more frequently than what good we've done...) This beautiful little 3-year-old girl, daughter in a family we're teaching that is returning to church, the one who called me Mr. Mousen, glued some feathers and puffball things onto a page for me.

We've found a LOT of new investigators this week, which is what I wanted so I could leave the new sister that's coming in with lots of appointments and things to do so she'll be happy in the beginning of her mission (Sister Fangupo is training someone new). One is Anne, a lady from Vanuatu. When I saw her walking down the road I wasn't sure whether she was an Indian man, hehe, and it was tough to grab her, but we got an appointment and had a great lesson with a member on Friday night. The member was perfect--she's just what we've been hoping for. She invited Anne to church, and said she wanted her to come over for dinner, and asked if she could just stop by sometimes, and shared a very personal testimony of the Book of Mormon. Another new investigator is Daniel, son of Julie, the lady who believes Christ has visited other people around the world and who fought against our church being built here.

We're going to play roller hockey again (it was great fun... ummm... I'm not going to claim that I've discovered a hidden talent) today so it's time to go. I do want to say though my gratitude is bubbling over for this strange wonderful enchanting agonizing enabling experience I've had for the past year and a half in the Australia Melbourne (East) mission. My trainer, Sister Wang, wrote me from China last week and reminded me that I'll be connected to these people eternally. Having responsibility for their welfare has etched them into my heart... I guess I know a little what Christ meant when he said "I have engraven thee upon the palms of my hands" because I can feel that too. I know a little more how it works. I feel that I know my Saviour much better, and I know how to serve Him. I have received knowledge that no man can dispute about the truths of eternity, about the way God chooses prophets and gives them authority to teach us and allow us to make covenants. The prophets God calls, from Joseph Smith to Thomas Monson now, hold the key of power from God. God is our Father, our Heavenly Father, and there is no selfishness in him. He wants our happiness. These holy truths comfort the soul.

I'll see you in Denver on Wednesday afternoon!
I love you.
Sister Nilsen

see you at the airport!

I don't want to write much today. I'm not bringing many things home, mostly treats. That way they won't become more stuff in the house, and food is more memorable anyway :)

We ran into this beautiful girl our age by her car who told us she's Muslim but her brother would want to talk to us, so we went and met him in the house, and he brought out this stack of books two feet high he's received from various people who have come proselyting--he has a Book of Mormon, good news Bible, a big red Bible, several other Bibles, a Bahai publication, etc. He gave each of us a Qu'ran, which I was really excited about because I've been wanting one for a few years now, and I was very inspired by his passion and reverence for his scripture. I think all missionaries should have such an experience near the start of their mission so they can incorporate such excitement into their speaking of the Book of Mormon.

Catherine told us this week she didn't want us to come anymore :( and John didn't come to church like he said, but he's still in the game.

People say that if you just say do it quickly like ripping off a band-aid, saying goodbye is easier. But this hurts a lot more than pulling off a band-aid. One less-active lady we've been visiting said she feels like she's losing a daughter, and Garren and John wanted hugs and I had to tell them no, and after my talk on Sunday Bishop Skibbe thanked me and my companions and told everyone we've been very committed sisters. (I sometimes wish I could see this myself; we often feel acutely our weaknesses and mistakes more frequently than what good we've done...) This beautiful little 3-year-old girl, daughter in a family we're teaching that is returning to church, the one who called me Mr. Mousen, glued some feathers and puffball things onto a page for me.

We've found a LOT of new investigators this week, which is what I wanted so I could leave the new sister that's coming in with lots of appointments and things to do so she'll be happy in the beginning of her mission (Sister Fangupo is training someone new). One is Anne, a lady from Vanuatu. When I saw her walking down the road I wasn't sure whether she was an Indian man, hehe, and it was tough to grab her, but we got an appointment and had a great lesson with a member on Friday night. The member was perfect--she's just what we've been hoping for. She invited Anne to church, and said she wanted her to come over for dinner, and asked if she could just stop by sometimes, and shared a very personal testimony of the Book of Mormon. Another new investigator is Daniel, son of Julie Fraser, the lady who believes Christ has visited other people around the world and who fought against our church being built here.

We're going to play roller hockey again (it was great fun... ummm... I'm not going to claim that I've discovered a hidden talent) today so it's time to go. I do want to say though my gratitude is bubbling over for this strange wonderful enchanting agonizing enabling experience I've had for the past year and a half in the Australia Melbourne (East) mission. My trainer, Sister Wang, wrote me from China last week and reminded me that I'll be connected to these people eternally. Having responsibility for their welfare has etched them into my heart... I guess I know a little what Christ meant when he said "I have engraven thee upon the palms of my hands" because I can feel that too. I know a little more how it works. I feel that I know my Saviour much better, and I know how to serve Him. I have received knowledge that no man can dispute about the truths of eternity, about the way God chooses prophets and gives them authority to teach us and allow us to make covenants. The prophets God calls, from Joseph Smith to Thomas Monson now, hold the key of power from God. God is our Father, our Heavenly Father, and there is no selfishness in him. He wants our happiness. These holy truths comfort the soul.

I'll see you in Denver on Wednesday afternoon!
I love you.
Sister Nilsen

one last week

I just found out I'll be speaking in church, reporting on my mission, in Longmont at 9 AM on 27 April, the building at the intersection of Alpine St and 17th Avenue, on Sunlight Dr or Red Cloud Rd or wherever it is. Come and see! :) :)

Hi, I'm going to write this fast because I just found out we're going to Dandenong to go roller skating, roller hockey to be specific. Ha, I had a dream a couple of days ago that I went roller skating. I'm preparing to be embarrassed. That's not new by now.

My last zone conference was so nice. Someone from the Church missionary department visited our mission recently and saw that we need more practice crying repentance. Our zone leaders, Elder Standley and Elder Levin, did a training and I was captivated. I didn't want them to stop talking. They did a role play where Elder Levin was the investigator, a man, Catholic, devoted to his family, and Elder Standley explained that what keeps families from being together forever is sin. It was so powerful because usually missionaries sit with the investigator and explain the steps of repentance, but this time there was some actual spiritual work going on because Elder Levin, even as a posing investigator, was actually making decisions to change. It was sooooo powerful and made me want to have an intense, deeply personal lesson with the people we're teaching. I also had to do my departing testimony, which took me by surprise. I knew I would do it, but when it was time, it felt so foreign.

Later that day we ran into a Swedish-Australian girl and I was looking forward to hearing a good Swedish name (because I feel part Swedish), but she said her name is really personal to her and she wouldn't tell us. Just after that we met Kim, an Aussie with an American accent, a mother with two small boys who's going through a divorce. Her husband moved in with someone else... she said she's at a time in her life when she'd be receptive to the message, so we're excited to get to know her.

We didn't get to teach John this week because his wife didn't want us to when her dad was staying with them. Arrrgh.

General Conference. I hope I will always remember standing with the Australian saints to sustain President Monson and the other General Authorities. Elder Holland fulfills my ultimate image of what a prophet is, and it was so nice to see Elder Bednar speak after meeting him last month and knowing him a little more personally. He repeated teachings I'd thought he'd told only to us. :) . General Conference always refreshes my spirit. I wish it happened every three months. Nikki, Nakia, and Hailey came to the Sunday afternoon session. We didn't think we'd had any investigators attend, which was really disappointing since there were 4 sessions we could have had people at, but as we walked out, a cheerful little blonde person with two long braids had her little arms around me. It was such a happy moment.

So, that's it for now. I will probably write again next Monday for my last time.

See you next week!
Sister Nilsen

sometimes the ups outnumber the downs

On a mission you don't have time to breathe, by the way.

I appreciate so much the responses I get to what I write. My emails are so personal and often revealing and sometimes I feel hesitant to share things that may not mean as much to someone else as they do to me. So thanks.

Let's just walk through the week.
Thursday we watched the Finding Faith in Christ DVD with Catherine--from Chile but verrrrry Australianised--and her four children. Children are so lovely and trusting. I think I'll need to watch that DVD every week for the next 40 years. It's so comforting.

If all Church members were like Dieter Lawrenz, an old German convert in the ward, every member and most nonmembers would be looked after. He came with us to visit Steve Farrell, the recovering alcoholic who lives in a shed in someone's backyard and plays the limbo song, who wasn't up to a lesson, and who hadn't read his chapters. But that didn't deter Dieter; he proclaimed we must keep working with him and he is a child of God with a few problems. It was such a relief... sometimes I get protective of my investigators because of some peoples' reactions to them, but I don't need to worry about that with Brother Lawrenz!

Thursday we were meant to have dinner with an American couple who moved to Australia soon after their marriage 50 years ago. She's a member; he's not. She wasn't feeling well so he wanted to meet us at Hungry Jack's (this means Burger King). He'd made it clear that he didn't require a lesson at every visit so we just sat and talked to him about his life and experience as a peacetime naval radio operator, and I tried to remember anything about the battle of Coral Sea that I did a paper on a few year ago so we'd have more to talk about. On Saturday we learned from Joy, the wife, that he'd had a great time--he's terrified of missionaries, and this visit helped soothe his fears.

Did I mention that I saw some camels in a field, as well as my first wild kangaroo, a couple of weeks ago? Oh, and we met a less-active member with some Scottish deerhounds, these beautiful, gentle, mystical-looking dogs. Their uncle was in the latest Harry Potter movie. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to not like dogs at all but now I would kind of like one. The only problem is all the breeds I like happen to be Australian rancher herding dogs and they would be bored in suburbia. (I don't blame them.) Anyway.

Funny quote of the week: "I thought Canada was like on top of Russia." --a teenage less-active girl after I drew her a map of the US to show her where I live :)

We taught John Romero on Friday night, FINALLY, and brought up some questions of the soul--does God answer prayers? What does God expect of us? and tried to help him recognise the answers he's already received, and invited him, again, to be baptised, to take a leap of faith like in Indiana Jones when Indie thinks he's going to fall into that crevasse but the pathway is there. We think he'll have stronger spiritual experiences and really feel his answer once he makes a decision and takes a step toward it. John said "no, not yet," and assured us he'd be at church but he WASN'T. Sunday was a hard day. We'll get to that.

On Saturday the ward had an activity for the whole family called "afternoon tea with a bushranger" about family history with ancestors' food and costume, and it was a little disappointing because 1) not many members came 2) the Steele family didn't come, but Russ came (that American man discussed earlier) and we felt like we were there for him. We ate Joy's amazing peanut butter brown sugar fudge. We watched a video presentation about the new familysearch.org and I am feeling SO inspired and excited about family history...haha. Really though, the new system is powerful and I'm beginning to understand what that guy meant a couple months ago who said "Mormons are the most powerful people in the world... because of their family history database. Knowledge is power." I laughed a little but now I think so too. I think it would be a cool profession to specialise in a certain type of family history, like Scandanavian or African-American. Detective work + travel + making people happy. Sounds nice, but I don't know if I could do it.

We saw Jay Pilai and his wife on Saturday evening. Usually our visits are pretty dramatic and frustrating, with him asking us seemingly innocent questions but then citing scripture theatrically to illustrate our error. This visit was nice though, and I have a new strategy to avoid conflict: "oh, good question, you should look for the answer in the Bible." Last night he asked some questions, and listened, and found that he is theatrical in other ways, like in imitating a black preacher he once saw. Anyway, we hope he comes to Conference this weekend. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!

So, Sunday was hard. It was April 6 and fast Sunday and we were expecting big things, but then George Steele, father of our dream family, called to cancel our appointment for that day and future visits, and we felt so devastated. They might still come to conference though and want to see the chapel. Huge disappointment. Then throughout the day we ran into people and had unpleasant experiences, like this lady explaining what she believes about reincarnation then suddenly going into a storm: "why are you looking at me like that? that's really annoying!" and stomped off. I felt so bad because I was just trying to listen to her. John didn't come to church. Then for the beginning of the testimony part Bishop spoke and I noticed tears coming out of MY eyes unexpectedly, and they didn't stop, and Sister Carabajal hugged me and gave me a tissue, and made it worse. I didn't expect to get so emotional for my second-to-last sacrament meeting. Then we didn't have an invite for dinner. Again. :)

Monday was GREAT though. We took the Pereira girls with us to an appointment with Kodge, and we had so much fun. We went to contact a different new investigator, but she wasn't there, but this intelligent funny vibrant 22-year-old Philipina was there and invited herself to be taught.

gotta go!
Savanna

there's a storm a-brewin

The weather is so weird today. So windy. We've seen tree branches everywhere on the road. The power went out in Moorabbin and this factory outlet I've been planning to go to there for months, and finally got permission to go there, was closed and a bunch of unhappy women were sitting in the chairs just inside the entry. :)

Today we and the Dandenong sisters, Sister Wakeley my old companion and Sister Melendez from the Phillipines went to have lunch with Richard and Jackie and say "see ya sometime" to them. It was so sad. I was doing fine but then Jackie had to go and he asked me for a hug and I couldn't give him one and then I realised that saying goodbye to everyone and this mission and this land is going to be really difficult. I hope to see them again in China or in America someday soon-ish. They make the best food, by the way. Wow.

We found this wonderful family--I think I may have written about them last week. The Steele family. The father, George, requested a Lamb of God DVD for his children and we had a great conversation with them. They have this amazing, beautiful 9-year-old daughter Stephanie. She's just enchanting. We brought over a children's Book of Mormon stories and she read aloud to us the first chapter, the story of Joseph Smith and how we got the Book of Mormon. I asked her to tell the story to us in her own words and she gave this beautiful, detailed recitation of the whole thing. Her father was astonished. I then asked her how she felt while she was telling me the story and she said simply "I feel that it is true." How powerful is that, for a father who's just being introduced to these ideas to see his daughter do that.

There's this less-active family here who once were very strong members but some tragic things happened to them and they didn't do very well in coping with it all and they feel unwanted and jaded... they have three children who haven't been baptised yet. We were assigned by the ward leadership to visit her and just help her find strength, so we gave her a project, to read 10 chapters of the Book of Mormon we selected for her and then write a one-page summary on the Atonement. I wish I could express how I feel toward her, but I can't. I just want for her to find the healing she's looking for. Our next project for her is going to be to make a scrapbook page of her testimony, because she's a super-scrapbooker and we think that would be the most personalised way for her to review who she is and what means the most to her.

John Romero came to church on Sunday with his son Adrian, so things are looking up for them again. We went and saw Steve on Tuesday and gave him a Book of Mormon (Steve is the alcoholic man who lives in a shed in a guy's backyard) and he is so cool. He's like "Maaaaaaate, you can't go! You have to stay in Australia." I'm glad at least someone wants me to stay.

Yesterday we were walking around in Pakenham and ran into this lady. She's between 18 and 27. Vague, I know. Rachel. She was wearing a purple beanie and purple pants. It was a pretty cool day. She'd heard about our church and our book from her church. It was evident that she was very nervous to be talking to us because her voice was just shaking, but she was doing well at still being confident. It was also evident that she thought we were very mistaken and very misled, because she asked to pray for us. Just before she did, I shared with her my personal experience of seeing one of the original copies of the Book of Mormon and how I knew so deeply that it was true, and there is only goodness in its pages. (this was strategic) She prayed right there with us, and it was actually quite sweet. She felt responsibility for us as we did for her. The whole conversation I had a prayer in my heart that she would feel our love for her and that she wouldn't feel the need to be so nervous. After her prayer she said, I asked if I could give her a hug, and I did and Sister Fangupo did. Rachel took a Book of Mormon and walked away. Sister Fangupo told me she'd had the same idea, to give her a hug, so I know it was inspired. I just wanted her to feel loved, and not intimidated, and that she didn't have to be scared. It is a strange story to relate, but it was a powerful experience for me. I can't believe still that I can have feelings of love for people whom I don't even know, or even for people who are rude to me, or for people that mock us. It's hard sometimes but sometimes it works.

Another small victory yesterday: we ran into this proclaimed atheist, and I perceived throughout our conversation, which was mostly him acting as if we are fools for believing something we can't see, that he really wanted to believe in God but just couldn't find it within himself to believe. He did finally listen to one of my explanations: you are a physical person, and you are a spiritual person. You need physical evidence to learn physical things. You learn by sight, touch, hearing, by reading, by someone else who knows. You learn spiritual information only in spiritual ways. It was another conversation that would have been very difficult without the gift of charity which I know didn't come from me, but which was actually rewarding and easy when accompanied by concern for his welfare and peace.

It's time to go.
thanks for reading.
I look forward to seeing you!!!!!
Love
Sister Savanna

this week

Maybe if I just write about yesterday it will be a good enough email.

After district meeting, Sister Fangupo and I took the train out to Pakenham and had a strange, fun day. Just outside the station, we met a guy who was drinking in a park pondering on his life and had a nice talk with him and promised him that if he kept the commitments we'd ask him to make, he would be able to overcome his problems and be a better father and give up alcohol...he said he'd be willing to do anything for his kids because he loves them so much. We contacted a former investigator who wasn't interested and asked for referrals. He said "Steve wouldn't be interested. He's an alcoholic. He's hard to talk to" We said "who's Steve?!?!?!" and went to meet him--he was living in a shed in Lawrence's backyard. He was actually really nice and wanted us to come back later. As we left his house, we heard Steve playing the limbo song. So hilarious.

Then we saw another former investigator who said he receives communcation from the holy spirit and records it on a tape and that he knows where God lives.

We went to visit a former member that President Lindley had met and asked us to visit. He has concerns about the origin of the Book of Mormon. It was very strange. He got angry and offended about our mission rule that we couldn't come in with just us two, and then the conversation was a little normal and he asked us to send some elders, who could come in. I was addressing his concern about who wrote the Book of Mormon, and I said something that I never would have expected would offend anyone: "no one has ever proven the Book of Mormon is false," trying to say that you can't prove its authenticity in any way other than reading it and praying about it, but I didn't get to that because he got angry and said "no one has ever proven it is true either! Don't ever come back!" Strange.

We went to the train station to catch the 8:13 train and got the 8:11 instead... after a few minutes, we looked around. "This train is really nice... it's going pretty fast... is it an express? it's not stopping at any stations... there goes the Berwick station... there goes our car... there goes the Narre Warren station..." ha, it was a train into the city, and we're defintely not allowed there because it's out of our boundaries. The train stopped in Dandenong and we got a late walk around downtown. So funny.

I have about a minute left.

Cameron dropped us.

We've been doing a LOT of finding lately, and have gotten several new investigators. I realised yesterday that sometimes Heavenly Father sends missionaries to people who just need love, even if they aren't ready for the gospel. He cares even if we have a hard day.

BYE
Sister Nilsen