Monday

3 coincidences

1) Around 2:30 pm. I stood at the corner of Boylston and Tremont, waiting for the walk signal. Being near Emerson College brought me back to the day in July when Colleen took me to her office to help me revise my resume. As I stood there thinking of Colleen, I looked up and Colleen was on the opposite side of Tremont, also waiting to cross.

2) Maybe 15 minutes later. I got my number to wait in line at the RMV to get my car registered. I felt my blood sugar level dropping and did not want yet another headachy-sick day from not eating enough. The RMV shares a building with Dunkin Donuts. I bought a double chocolate donut and sat down in line. I ate it and instantly felt better (it's not often you get to feel better from eating one of these). Still I felt guilty. I looked up at the marquee to see "AVOID UNHEALTHY FATS" and other diet advice written on the screen.

3) 3:50 pm. I went to the Boston Public Library to use a printer. I urgently needed to print an application for health insurance and income verification. Eight pages total. I had enough coins to pay for seven pages. As I frantically searched for one last dime that I knew I wouldn't find, a young man who later introduced himself as Stewart approached me and asked if he could put a dollar on my print card so he could print his two pages. He left me with 70 extra cents. I printed what I needed.

Fiscal Year 2009

Do you catch a vision the way you catch a cold?

This will be the best year of my life-to-date, so I've decided. I'm going to catalyze by conceptualizing things I want to happen. I have a success story that leads me to do this:

In June 2005, I made a list of things I want to do before I die. I recorded the desire to see Beethoven's 9th Symphony performed live, as well as the aspiration to sing the national anthem at a sporting event. Scarcely a week passed and news of opportunities to do both arrived by email. I found out that the Utah Symphony would be playing the 9th Symphony that September. I bought tickets. Isaiah came with me. Check that off the list. I also got an invitation to audition to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at a minor league baseball game. I'm not a performer; I just wanted to do it. I auditioned, they liked me, and I sang to open the Orem Owlz game on June 24.

May the dream-defining magic still be in force.

What I want during Fiscal Year 2009, in no particular order but divided into time frames according to how much I need to prepare and practice.

This week
-There's an especial amount of uncertainty in my life. I need direction. And comfort. I want to be astounded by General Conference.
-I want to do all the things I've been meaning to do, especially write thank-you notes, mail Bostonasaurus to my little brother, mail letters, organize my room, apply for health insurance

This month
-Get a career-type job
-See Cinderella at the Boston Ballet
-Get a haircut
-Find jeans that actually fit me. This is harder than you might think.
-Get some winter clothes (cold! scary! scary! scary! Do you know how long it's been since I've seen snow?)

Three months
-Buy a computer, more specifically a ThinkPad
-Get an eye exam and more contacts
-Visit Waterbury and see my old house and elementary schools

Six months
-I want a decorated bedroom that somehow incorporates both orange and green in a spirited, classy, pizazzed, Sav-style way.
-Take the GRE
-Learn Spanish
-I want a subscription to the Economist
-Take a [ideally, Harvard Extension School] class in micro- or macroeconomics and maybe Chinese (this is absolutely dependent on getting a real job at Harvard or another job that offers tuition reimbursement)
-Get better at math
-Be a vibrant visiting teacher
-I want a spark of organizational genius

Twelve months
-Save enough money to solidly apply to grad school in 2009, from a test prep class if it's the LSAT to testing through to applications. Oh, and actually apply.
-Fitness goals: this is as of yet undefined, but it incorporates the Charles, Walden Pond, the Massachusetts Bay, my new running shoes, my tennis tennis shoes, the tennis rackets I must replace, the Bunker Hill monument, a jumprope, snowshoes, dancing (ooh! good way to survive the winter!), and living on the fourth floor of a building with no elevator.

Ready for it when you are
-Increased social stability. ha ha ha. This is a euphemism. People usually euphemize to avoid talking about bad things, but by social stability I mean a good thing.
-Missionary opportunities leading to events involving water
-A visit from my sister(s)
-A best friend in New England, or a few
-Monthly road trips (this is actually going pretty well)
-I want to be the most considerate, responsible roommate I have ever been, which shouldn't be that hard because I'm not consumed by school as I usually have been.
-I want to be a better writer. This requires reading great books. Suggestions?
-Okay, I've always wanted a love note on my car. Please?
-I want to experience financial independence.
-Be a better sister/daughter even from far away
-Learn to integrate fruits and vegetables more regularly and creatively in cooking and meals
-Show some appreciation for the legacy and traits inherited from the ancestors by getting to know them
-REALLY settle in. "Bloom where you are planted." Continue to learn to enjoy every moment. Become New England while I'm here.
---
And these are more lifelong goals
-Find what I call "my thing." Most people have a "my thing," what they're REALLY good at and love doing. I don't have one yet.
-Live with happy, responsible, creative, confident little people that look a bit like me
-Develop spiritual sensitivity
-Be reaaaaaally deliberate about life; take control. I am somewhat good at this. I want to be fabulous at it.
---
Trips I want to take this year
-Norway for family history. Okay maybe that won't happen this year because I want to learn some Norwegian first.
-Prince Edward Island/Nova Scotia. Already slated for next spring.
-Florida. I promised.
-Seattle
-D.C.
-Louisiana

Trips I want to take someday
-Sicilia: circuit in convertible when the almond trees are blooming
-Eastern Europe/Russia. Reflect on history, humanity, progress.
-Australia for like a month
-China, Thailand
-Something on every continent. I think the African Savanna would be appropriate.

I know the items on my list are not stylistically consistent. I'm sorry, except not really enough to fix it. :)

I miss...

...Australia. Badly. I want to see everyone connected to my mission. The obvious remedy would be going to my mission reunion in a few weeks. President Coward is moving back to NZ and the next chance I'll have to see a mission president is in 2010. Unfortunately, airplane rides to Utah are not free these days. That is all I have to say.

funny campout joke

Guy at campout: What are you doing in Boston?
Me: Just livin' the dream.
Guy at campout: Oh, so you're a nanny?

HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allison

I am overwhelmed right now, like in a good way, like in a my-face-is-wet-but-these-are-supremely-joyful-and-also-repentant-tears way.

I just got an email from a mission companion telling me that Allison was baptised last month. (I hereby use Australian spelling in this entry. Baptised will be spelled with an s.)

This news about Allison relieves me of SO MUCH of the anxiety I've been feeling lately about my mission. I feel regrets so keenly and always wonder whether I did well enough.

Here's the story:

I felt that each proselyting area had a unique character that needed to be considered when deciding what kind of activities to do to find people. My desire to identify and then do just what was appropriate was so intense that it was painful. (In one of my areas this involved going on the weekly walk down the river that the recovering addicts went on and then going to their crafty class after.) When I arrived in Frankston North, I could feel that there was something VERY specific we needed to do. I fasted and prayed and agonized and the unmistakable answer was Doctrine and Covenants 111:2-3.

2 I have much treasure in this city for you, for the benefit of Zion, and many people in this city, whom I will gather out in due time for the benefit of Zion, through your instrumentality.

3 Therefore, it is expedient that you should form acquaintance with men in this city, as you shall be led, and as it shall be given you.

For some reason I took this to mean that we needed to focus on becoming more visible through obvious service. The day after we talked about this, and without planning to, Sister Mesake and I went to contact a media referral whom we'd tried to call unsuccessfully a dozen times. Peta. This time we actually stopped by her house. It was Thursday. We found her outside. She was moving to Adelaide on Monday. DING DING DING DING SERVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They desperately needed us because she and her friends were few and all had various ailments that meant they weren't going to be able to get it done without a LOT of help. We promised them the help of six valiant young men (the zone leaders, district leader and district members) and they promised sandwiches. Both the lovely sister missionaries and the ladies we'd just met recognized the providential significance of the mere fact that we were there when they needed help.

So we helped pack, move, and clean Peta's house. This was a monumental moving job. She had SO MUCH STUFF. The kind of stuff most people wouldn't want to keep. The house was covered with birdseed from her pet sulphur-crested cockatoo...what was his name? Sweet Pea. The elders sure earned their share of cucumber sandwiches.

So we got the house packed. Peta drove off in her moving van with her pet parrot. We didn't finish cleaning the house.

CUE IN ALLISON!

Allison was Peta's best friend. She had the responsibility of the loyal friend to clean the house after Peta's departure. She had some nerve problems in her leg. We offered to come back the next day and help her get the place ready for move-out inspection.

CUE IN TJ, KIRSTIE, AND CHRIS!

Other best friends of Peta's. TJ was the mother. She was in a wheelchair. Kirstie and Chris were her kids. They helped too.

We cleaned the house alllllllllllllllllll day. It was hot hot hot hot hot. There was no getting rid of the birdseed. There was some ambitious cleaning to be done...oh I don't want to think of it.

At the end of the day, we found ourselves all sitting on the kitchen floor and the topic "naturally" turned to religion. It was Sister Nilsen, Sister Mesake, Allison, her daughter, TJ, Kirstie, and Chris. We found out the kids knew very little about Christ and asked them if they wanted to learn more. They did. We taught TJ, Kirstie, and Chris a few times. They had us over for dinner, even in their disadvantaged circumstances. It was frozen lasagne and trifle and they were so proud of it. They loved having us and I had some powerful experiences teaching them. We tried so hard to get them to church but it never happened.

Allison came for dinner too. We taught something, I don't remember. She invited us over for a Christmas barbecue. She said to consider ourselves family and come over whenever, but that it doesn't have to be about work and to come watch movies. (ha, movies...) She said she respected our beliefs but had her own. That's all I knew because I got transferred and different missionaries went to her Christmas barbecue and I never saw Frankston again.

This is what I heard from Sister Mesake tonight: "Allison got baptised in August. We went to a musical fireside in Frankston. She read her diary and her conversion story. She mentioned our names. I was crying looking back to that hot day packing and cleaning the house..."

Me too, Sister Mesake. It's been nearly a year since we all met. I would have never guessed that out of all those people we met through that service project, Allison would have continued to learn from the missionaries and join the church. These people are engraved on my heart. I feel such release from knowing that the work I put into getting the answer of what to do actually means a changed life. In other words, I feel like I did something right. I feel increased confidence in the process of personal revelation and that I can get the answers I need. The only word I can say about the arrival of this confidence is timely.

A Couplet

O quill, O sword, O Pilot G-2s
You are the only pen I use.

HA! :) I am cracking myself up!

I went to a public service graduate school fair the other day and came home with a purse full of sweet pens, thinking I was pretty flash for getting free stuff. But today while I organized my room I realized I'm never going to use them because I enjoy using only one type of writing implement. So now I just have a bunch of extra pens (do you need one?). Thus was born this inky little duo of a rhyme.

I've been initiated

I got my first parking ticket today. Just $20 for "STORAGE (OVER 24HRS)." Fair enough, because I've been parking in Cambridge sans parking permit for 2.5 weeks now. It's worked so far with a strategic combination of meter parking overnight, a visitor permit, the use of our parking lot on weekends, and a non-permit location protected by roommate pact.

I just found a spot in the secret strip of non-permit parking, and I subconsciously constructed this thank-you song to the tune of "Sono un figlio di Dio." I'm not certain yet whether it's irreverent. I don't think it is because I mean it!

Padre Celeste ti ringraziam
perche' parcheggiato noi abbiam
e piu' biglietti non ne avro' mai.
Posto libero tu macchina hai.


(My Colorado registration expires just about now so I'll be dressing the Batmobile in Mass plates and a Cambridge sticker in a matter of weeks.)

Election Year Reminiscings

I am very protective of my political soul.

I chose political science as my major at BYU because (aside from the fact that they had just discontinued the international politics major) I wanted to better understand, and to love, the world as a whole and its people. That happened.

I see myself as more of a dispassionate observer than an ideologue. I am loyal to idea(l)s (oft-incongruous streaks of classical liberalism, responsibility, populism, liberty, social justice at home and abroad) but not to partisanship. This makes it difficult for me to discuss politics with many people who have packaged party loyalties. If I have talked about government or elections or institutions or anything related with you, you can take that as evidence that I place significant trust in you and your personality.

Election Night is delicious like Christmas. I watch C-SPAN when no one's looking. I watch CNN when people are looking.

My running joke about what I studied: Political science is the only major you can have that everyone else thinks they know more about than you. Think about it.

My dad took me to the Connecticut State Capitol when I was little. I couldn't have been older than five years old. Okay maybe six. There was some scandal going on and TV cameras were following the governor around. They got a glimpse of me and I told all my friends.

My first-grade class visited the office of the mayor of Waterbury. He was also caught in a scandal. I remember seeing him smoking in the stairwell of my elementary school and resenting him for it.

I remember in third grade watching Mrs. Dutil tally the votes from the mock presidential election we seven-year-olds staged and wondering how all those kids didn't know that Bill Clinton was the wrong choice (context: conservative family roots living in semi-urban Connecticut).

I grew up wanting to be a doctor and knowing that it was completely within my capabilities. At some point this meant oncologist, at another orthodontist. If I were to choose now, it would be heart surgeon. Sometimes I regret having chosen another lifestyle, especially since the reasons for which I made that decision have not yet materialized. I changed my mind in October 2001, when my dad took me with him on a business trip to Washington, D.C. The city had an electric and noble energy and I just wanted to be there. I felt the honor and sacrifice that had gone into building the edifices of the U.S. Government. I felt the urgent and agonizing desire presidents have had to govern well as I walked through the FDR memorial.

I threw three parties in 2004. One was a well attended presidential debate party. Another centered around my departure for Athens for a month for the Olympics; the third, my birthday.

2004 was my favorite election year. Campaign finance laws had just been revamped and a new, messy dynamic was emerging. I spent the evening in a TV studio watching election returns and exchanging predictions with the other poli sci students and statisticians. Remember Election Night is like Christmas. This was like Election Night in 3-D Dolby Surround Sound panoramic IMAX HDTV--better than you've ever done Election Night before. Why am I capitalizing Election Night? I became an analyst for the elections in the Northeast. I focused on the races involving Charles Schumer, the most expensive senatorial campaign in the country, the gubernatorial race in Vermont, that race between two women in Pennsylvania, and presidential electoral votes. This involved a 10-minute live interview, questioning being done by Dean Magleby and Dr. Patterson. I said some reasonably knowledgable things and was surprised by an unexpected personal question I hadn't prepared for and gave an embarrassing response. I suspect this explains my B+ in the class despite working very hard.

I detest cynicism. People are mostly good. These good people work for the government. The government was not constructed as it was with the goal of efficiency. Checks and balances intentionally obstruct efficiency. The bureaucracy is how the executive branch accomplishes its mandates, not a dirty word and not something that was designed to make life harder.

I am concerned by public sentiment toward presidential politics. The office of the President of the United States is one to be respected. The man who fills the role now has had enormous burdens and I wish him relieving rest come January 20, 2009. I hope the man who next fills the role is the right one for this unprecedentedly complex global scenario he will inherit. I will teach my children to respect all public officials whether or not they agree with their policies.

i dream of ...lost scriptures

A selection from last night's dreams:

I got home to a surprise waiting for me on my bed--a book, still wrapped in its plastic packaging. I hadn't expected this book to arrive but it felt like I'd been anticipating it my whole life. I knew immediately what it was and opened it. It looked and felt exactly like my green triple combination but without the index tabs or my name engraved on the cover. So it looked like this.

It was the first print edition of (previously) lost scripture, in the early stages of worldwide distribution. My friends and family were there and their copies had already been delivered.

I was captured by the momentousness of the occasion, talking to everyone around me about how exciting it would be to discover the words for the first time. It would take a significant investment to get to know this addition to the canon. As I looked through the pages, I noticed that the names of people I knew and loved were in the stories. The text was not yet divided into verses, just paragraphs. It was commonly understood that this would not be the last of its kind.

I'm so pleased that I remember this dream. It has colored my morning with a feeling of hopeful anticipation and a sense of relief.

delightful discovery

I cannot adequately express my excitement over this moment I had today.

Today to church I wore one of my favorite-ever outfit combinations: a tweedy orangish-brownish single-button blazer that has metallic orange and turquoise threads woven into it with a turquoise shell under it. I haven't worn this for a loooooong time. Oh look, I found a picture. Pretty!!

I noticed something in my pocket and, envisioning pulling out some forgotten money (tithing blessings? ha, yes that was my first thought), instead pulled out a selection of treasures! I was so delighted with this reunion that I ran to a couple of my friends to interrupt their conversation with my news.

These are my treasures:
-the wooden button that I'd noticed this morning was missing from the sleeve. I was fretting over how to find a button to replace it.
-my favoritest pair of earrings, the giant imposter diamonds that I looked through EVERYTHING in storage looking for a few months ago. I never found them and bought a replacement pair. The replacement pair won't stay on with regular earring backs so I've been using slices of pencil eraser. Classy. Now we're back in business.
-a train ticket from Milano to Treviglio (on the way to my adopted Italian hometown of Crema)
-a receipt from an internet cafe in Sarajevo from when I decided to go to Bosnia and Herzegovina over Easter weekend. That trip was so meaningful to me. I'd been wanting to go since fourth grade. I went alone. It was scary. It was part of my great continental quest in 2006 to comprehend the history of human conflict. Sarajevo and the people I met there taught me so much. I made a friend with an old Croatian Muslim lady on the train that I later went to visit in Chicago. The whole experience was otherworldly.

These items allowed me a few moments of revelry. Thank you, blazer pocket, for holding onto them.

I need a star to chase

Reflections/things I've learned during my job search:

I need a high degree of positive social interaction. Every day.
I need more education.
I want more education.
My happiness level is directly correlated with the amount of time I spend under the sky.
I like rules.
I need to be creative.
(I am a contradiction.)
I need a context.
Most people and most systems operate far below capacity. I speak of productivity and happiness. I include myself.
I like ideas.
I also like deadlines.
Apparently I like lists.
I am highly sensitive/responsive to my environment (living/working).
I am much more project-oriented than I'd thought.
Two weeks is just enough unstructured time.
I'm much more likely to do something if I've told someone I'd do it.
I like talking to random people and capturing a part of their personality or life experience.
I love New England. Part of this is its mystery. This makes me think I can love anywhere.
I am too smart and too interesting and too curious for office administrative work.
I don't know what I want specifically but I know now more than ever what I want generally.
Everyone experiences the same interludes of frustration/loneliness/confusion I have.
I need to find work that I can put my whole heart into.
Discomfort is productive.

green eyes

circa 2003: i found another poem on a random piece of paper i'd like to throw away.
motivation for writing: my roommate and i both had green eyes and hated to hear people say "oh yeah, you're one of those blond hair-blue eyed girls."

green eyes are not blue.
green eyes are not brown.
green eyes do not shine
with the hue of the sky
or the rich meaning of the earth.
but green eyes
are the treasure of mystery
and the first breath
and the last charm of life.
they are the thrill of the summit
and the strangeness of love
and the wonder of forever.
green eyes sparkle
not with diamonds,
but with dewdrops;
not with glitter,
but with tears;
not for another,
but for you.
green eyes are green.
not gold, not azure,
not crimson, not gray.
green.
green.
my eyes are green.

sincerity and selfishness counter each other

Elder Holland during the CES fireside tonight used a painting of Joseph Smith to illustrate the pain the prophet must have felt while imprisoned at Liberty Jail. The expression on Joseph's face inspired the desire in me to just be able to be there for him, to embrace and reassure him. It then occurred to me that there must be others I know with the same inner expression who need such an embrace.

I made a goal near the end of my mission to have those remaining two months be the most selfless time period of my life to that point. I don't think I did very well at accomplishing that goal. I also think it's time to make that goal again, especially as it relates to other ambitions.

I've been thinking about sincerity a lot lately because sincere desires lead naturally, effortlessly, to sincere actions. Being deeply there for someone requires a sincere heart--no jealousy, no resentment, no fear--in other words, no selfishness. The barrier called selfishness prevents people from making that connection which will allow one human to alleviate another's suffering by mourning with those who mourn. A heart laden with selfish motives cannot be sincere. An insincere heart cannot be close to another.

So I guess what all this means is if I want to be true to that desire to be there for people that I felt when I saw that image of the agonizing Joseph Smith, I need to learn to fulfill my goal to be selfless.

two impossible things

There's this pop song I've heard on the radio over the past couple of days while driving around with my friends. Here's the catchy line:

"It's like learning to fly or falling in love."

This scares me. Humans cannot fly. Humans cannot learn to fly, not even one step at a time. If she sang "it's like learning to fly...an airplane...a helicopter...a kite," her little comparison wouldn't be so frightening. But she equates one impossible thing to another thing--which, until I heard the song, thought was completely within the realm of possibilities for my life.

Learning to fly = impossible
therefore
Falling in love = impossible

The thought that falling in love is like learning to fly--impossible--adds a new dimension of hopelessness to my future.

:)

I am Zeniff?

I just read Mosiah 9 and found some uncanny similarities between me and Zeniff. :)

It's never registered before how audacious a desire Zeniff had in wanting to return to the land of Lehi-Nephi. In 2 Nephi 5 (588-569 BC), it got so dangerous for Nephi and his people to live there that they had to separate themselves from their relatives. Nearly 400 years later, Zeniff risked his security so he could be where his fathers Lehi and Nephi disembarked, where it all started you could say.

Now, nearly 400 years after my ancestors arrived by boat and settled in what was the Massachusetts Bay Colony, I have returned to the land of my forefathers (the non-Scandinavian side). I've been thinking a lot about my ancestors lately and imagining what their reaction would be to my being here. They joined the church back when it was organized in New England and paid a painful price to move away from persecution and out to the West. Was it a giant act of regression for me to come out here?

Zeniff was over-zealous to inherit the land of his fathers. With real estate prices high as they are, I don't plan on possessing the land of my fathers quite yet. I must say though that I was anxious, if not zealous, to be here.

I am all the wiser for having recognized these similarities. It would be prudent for me to not name any of my sons Noah.

1869 reasons

A categorized list of reasons

Reasons why it's been okay to be underemployed this summer
#61 spontaneous trips to Walden Pond and the beach
#17 free lunch from Harvard catering
#24 meeting all kinds of interesting people at temp jobs
#70 my social experiment with EBT
#11 finding that weird dead centipede while volunteering to clean the temple
#58 reading badly written vampire love stories

Reasons why I love public transportation
#9 guy in lobster suit asking if he could be my boyfriend
#44-49 that group of like 4 black kids with one Asian that fits right in with them
#2 the moment when the red line crosses the Charles River
#72 the lady at Sullivan who yelled at me continuously until I got on the bus because she saw my Book of Mormon

Reasons why I love East Cambridge
#27 Inman Square
#10 all the magnified noise at night--metal scraping, sirens, yelling, trucks unloading, semis
#11 okay that was a lie.
#38 roommates (more on this later)
#89 Lechmere
#68 H&M at Cambridgeside
#45 LDS boys around the corner
#46 Camilla a block away

Reasons why I love Somerville
#1a Colleen (met her first)
#1b Rachel (met her second)
#2 Taco Bell
#65 community softball
#21 firemen neighbors
#90 Foss Park
#43 LDS boys downstairs

Reasons why I love living in Boston
#1 newness
#96 city lights
#20 history
#21 revolutionary spirit
#4 pistachio macaroons at Mike's Pastries
#13 Indian food everywhere
#73 making connections with people
#74 missionary opportunities
#22 Longfellow Park wards
#31 mingling of cultures
#56 the beach
#48 land of the ancestors
#17 proximity to other places I want to be
#100 autumn approaches :) :) :)

just one fascinating day of the best year ever

It's late and oh how I want to sleep, but I don't want today to fade before I write about it. It's been too interesting to lose.

I worked this morning as an usher for a Steven Pinker lecture at Harvard. About 25 minutes transpired from my designated arrival time at Memorial Hall to when the theater manager came to debrief us on the event. The wait saw a most bizarre group dynamic emerge among the seven others who also worked there. Each of the more eclectic members of the group initiated a conversation topic that was in no way related to the previous conversation string. It started with how the one lady refused to take the 79 bus that morning, went to one of the ladies (and I don't believe her) telling a tale of working for a company that was worth $120 or something a share, then plummeted to four shares for a dollar, from getting promised a six figure raise to paying the cleaning lady out of her pocket. Topic abruptly changed to another lady complaining about some ignorant girl that had said recycling isn't important, to which the girl next to me--who had until then been silent--chimed in about recycling is more about the chemicals than the trees. There were no transitions between topics, no logic in how this conversation progressed. It was unreal. One of the ladies coughed, and she did sound like she had tuberculosis, and another reacted by commanding, "don't come near me!"

I did end up having meaningful, completely sequitur, interactions with most individuals of this motley group, enjoyed them, and avoided catching TB.

Oh but the lecture! It was basically about how we use language. I think Steven Pinker is a psychologist, but his presentation incorporated linguistic concepts and even some rational choice illustrated by the game theory model, a staple of economic/political scientific thought. Right up my mosaic-tiled I'm-interested-in-everything-and-most-especially-humans alleyway. Let's see if I can recount this.

What captured my attention then and since was his statement that "When a relationship is ambiguous, divergent understanding can be costly (awkward)." If two people in a relationship (when I say relationship I mean an interaction of any duration or nature) have mismatched perceptions of what their relationship is, discomfort results. I think we all know exactly what this means. :)

Pinker used this to explain why people veil their invitations (a bribe, for example) even though both parties know exactly what they mean. A bribe changes the relationship from one of dominance (a police officer or a maitre d' has power in the speeder's or diner's life) to one of reciprocity (a relationship of mutual benefit). If both the briber and the one being bribed agree to change their relationship to once of reciprocity--if the bribe is accepted--there is no social awkwardness and the exchange occurs. But if the one being bribed is honest, the relationship will become strained because one party wants to maintain the relationship of dominance and the other wants a relationship of reciprocity. An honest police officer can arrest the briber. An honest maitre d' will react with indignation.

That's for the choice between bribe and no bribe. But there's another option--veiled bribe. Example: "I think we can settle this here, officer." A dishonest officer will pick up on the bribe and the transaction will follow. An honest officer is free to overlook the request because he has no outright evidence or basis for arrest. The overall cost of the veiled bribe is lower than the cost of the direct bribe because there is no chance for arrest but there is still chance of getting away with the offense. Indirect language minimizes social cost without compromising payoffs.

Did that make sense?

Then there was something about the importance of making individual knowledge become collective knowledge by communicating. Collective knowledge is the foundation for relationships. I...don't...remember what else.

Fascinating topic. Also fascinating was eavesdropping on the ladies' conversations during the reception after. The lecture was actually an event for a society of retired people who want to continue their education. The attendee's average age was 75. Another group dynamic emerged: that of collectively hating Sarah Palin. It was nearly as bizarre as the earlier conversation to witness the ladies I listened to contribute to each others' unnatural suspicion and fear of the VP candidate. I heard the words "dangerous" and "scare." I imagined the words "stone her! drown her!" It was like "beware the Ides of March" but "beware the Sarah Palin." I would say "beware the tyranny of group dynamics."

Then I got another free lunch--Asian salmon salad--and an extra to take home for the next day. So timely, these free lunches.

My dad called while I walked home from Harvard to tell me his friend had a connection with a state senator who is looking to hire someone and if I gave him my resume within the next couple of hours, he would pass it to her himself. I actually love the idea. The state senator is a Democrat, and I had to tell my dad that I've known a few and I actually kind of like them. :)

Annie waited for me to go to Nahant Beach after work. The waves were way better than the last time I was there for the ward beach day. AND I didn't even get sunburned. I fell deeper in love with New England. I hope New England feels the same way about me. I wouldn't want our relationship to be ambiguous.

a new superpower

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it is street sweeping day. On this day (repeated the first Thursday of the month; can't wait for tomorrow), all the cars in already overparked Cambridge must somehow fit on one side of the street. I found one spot that would have been fine had I been a rockstar parallel parker, but after bumping both cars, being asked a few times whether I'm coming or going, and having a lady yell "it's too small!" as she drove by, I abandoned it. The spot I finally found is on Fulkerson at Thorndike (There! I've written it down. Now I can find it later), which is four blocks out of my allowed radius with the current pass I have. I'm hoping for leniency. I left my house at 8:47 am to move the car and returned at 9:23.

This anxiety and time wasting leads me to yearn for a new superpower. I've entertained the idea of being able to fly (I feel pretty experienced at this since I fly in my dreams at least weekly) as well as less predictable powers like always having the right amount of money in your pocket when you need it and always knowing exactly how others feel. Today I feel urgent about having the superpower that allows me to move cars with my eyes to minimize those agonizing wasted parking gaps--you know, when three cars take the space of five because of awkward parking choices. An alternate, and probably cooler, superpower that addresses this problem is being able to shrink stuff. I could shrink the Batmobile or someone else's vehicle and everyone would fit. But that would be both more alarming and more conspicuous. I generally try to keep my superhumanity undercover. Who doesn't?

Are these expectations unrealistic? Maybe I should just learn to parallel park.

a pocketful of change

Today's project is trying to focus long enough on packing to allow me to move today/tomorrow morning. As I've gone through my room, I've found a collection of coins and memories. I need to get rid of these papers but I want to keep the words somewhere.

A letter I wrote to the Daily Universe in May 2005, which was referenced in the next week's letter from the editor (I wanted to write something positive as a nice contrast to all the angry letters):

On the first day of school this spring term, I set out for my Theories of American Politics class, resenting its early start time with every drowsy step. But along the way I noticed the grounds employees, who assuredly got there long before the 8 o'clock hour, planting the most luxuriant plot of tulips I had ever seen (and I've seen plenty of tulip plots). I didn't know purple came in so many colors.

Promise me you'll pass by the trees lining the sidewalk between the Kennedy Center and the engineering building to notice the contrast of the light green--Crayola calls it "spring green"-- against the deep magenta. Glance at the mountains on a gray day and see a million colors that you can't distinguish when the sun shines.

I may envy my friends who send me e-mails from Vienna, Tirana, Bangkok, and Campinas, but the majestic protection of the mountains and the delicate beauty of the flowers help me appreciate the cool, quiet stillness of every too-early Provo morning. I study in just about the most peaceful place in the world.

SAVANNA NILSEN
Longmont, Colo.

And here is a poemy thing that I probably wrote during summer 2006, when I went back for some more BYU after I'd finished all my requirements just because I wasn't ready to leave. Pretty sure it's about becoming ready to leave. Also pretty sure I studied a lot that summer because it's not that good, but it is sincere.

There stands a young girl
dying so sweet
as a woman steps away
from a place I once belonged.

She's losing but not lost
considering the cost
just trying to fit in
in a place I once belonged

She awkwardly resents
those who still fit there
can I be detached
from a place I once belonged?

Everything she'll want
she knows it isn't here
so I'll try to escape
a place I once belonged

It's not that easy
to find somewhere to love
a place you'll fit in
a place I once belonged

But would it be wrong
to pretend for a day
to hold on a little more
to a place that once was more than home
to a place I once belonged