made not born

Two stones in my pocket girl, I keep them for my dreams
I give them both to you now 'cause you need them more than me
--a song

(Listen, I'm using the weblog these days mostly to process my response to challenges. Please don't assume they represent my general state of mind. Please?)

First day of July 2007, nearly seven months about arriving in Australia: I found out I'd be training a new missionary, a Fiji Indian Australian. I'd just been abruptly removed from a city-like area I felt like was mine (to replace a missionary who had to go home) to a remote area where I felt very uncomfortable. I overhead a conversation between two people that sounded something like this: "Sister Nilsen is training...that's weird...yeah I didn't expect that either." What?! It was not a supportive conversation and compounded the insecurities I already felt about my preparation to help set the tone for one of the most important experiences of this person's life.

A few days later at the transfer meeting, I cornered a selection of my mission leaders and friends and asked each one "do you believe in me?" I needed to hear from someone that I trusted to tell me that they did so I could use it as material to convince myself to do the same.

June 2009, a new experience with its accompanying insecurities and doubts confronts me: intensive round-the-clock excellent teacher training--the best training in the country, I believe. Teaching 8th grade math at summer school in a high-stakes environment. If these children don't learn from me, they're not going to high school with their classmates next year. Equipping myself to be a competent secondary science teacher in an urban school this fall. I wish I could address in a sentence or two how high the standards are around here.

I need someone I trust to believe in me.

My corps member adviser (CMA, the one who is with a group of 12 of us at school all day, who reviews our lesson plans and teaching) is an absolute priceless gem. I am in awe over his dedication to his students, his powers of expression and articulation, his vibrant personality, his wit, his thoughtfulness, his sense of honor, his moral compass that points fiercely to integrity. The man is unreal. Can you tell he is my newest hero?

Mr. CMA has told a few people that he believes they are going to be great teachers, that he sees great potential in them. He did tell me that TFA doesn't make mistakes in choosing people, but that comment wasn't about me specifically. I know this is selfish, but I need him...or someone who has insight into this experience and into me...to tell me they believe in me and why. I need to know exactly how what TFA and my students need connects with what I have to offer. I need to know that somewhere in the future lives a Ms. Nilsen with a pure character, with the abundance of creativity and organization and energy and diligence and selflessness and solar system mobiles and management and lesson plans and insight and data and baking soda volcanoes and dedication that will allow my students to experience success every day and maximize their life prospects.

I need to know so I can talk myself into believing it. :)