Because I want to be emotionally resilient and loyal to my record of boldly doing intimidating things on my own, I have been avoiding using this word
lonely
but I have disliked Miami over the past couple of weeks and it has to stop and I don't think it will until I confront
lonely
as it stands before me.
Plus, I doubt that I had my faithful audience fooled.
:)
Allow me to explain: most of the people in my YSA branch are younger and live with their families about 30-40 minutes away from me and speak mostly Spanish. They generally definitely buy into pop culture more than I do. They often go out together to eat in big, lively, chatting groups after activities. By contrast, I moved out seven years ago. I take life really seriously and need really deep connections with people. There is only one other returned sister missionary. We get along well. She lives with her family like half an hour away. Everyone is really so so friendly. I don't understand, though, how I can form those meaningful relationships without more common ground. And I know that sounds selfish.
Today in Sunday School, one of the guys who attends the same Sunday morning meetings I do was accessing a Koran app on his iPhone. He was also talking about something interesting about the Koran he saw on the Discovery Channel. You know this means my hope regarding the previous paragraph immediately shot up. :) But I can't really tell him he's my numero uno prospect for a great friend. Haha.
I have some especially solid friendships with people in my program, but our ideas of how to use weekends differ greatly to the point where I need to severely limit my time with them. I will leave you to make inferences there. It's really important to me to be in wholesome environments, not just avoid behaviors that take place in more permissive environments. Sigh, in other words, I'm just weird.
And then there's the city. I hope I can figure out how my intellectual self fits in with Miami's urban glam. I think that's going to involve lots of exploring and trying lots of new things, which I can definitely handle. But if I'm to maximize the fun, I have to convince others that what I like to do is actually interesting. ;)
Current ambitions include driving around the design district photographing murals (okay, I can handle urbanity), snorkeling as often as possible, camping in the Everglades, taking dance lessons again (free in Boston; $10-15 a session in Miami), ethnic food, the 2010 opera season, getting a beach cruiser, using the faculty gym after school, moonlight ocean swimming. I must must must must learn Spanish. I think I'm also starting a Master's of Science in Education and Social Change next semester. Being in a university setting will definitely make me feel like I'm in my element. And I have a pretty great calling, which if I pay more attention to it, can be very rewarding.
This concrete gift has arrived despite my feelings of isolation despite being surrounded: I have tremendous clarity regarding what I want out of life and the people that are in it over the next several years.
By the way--while I appreciate that, yes, things will get better, I'm not the defeatist "things will get better eventually" type. I'm the "make things better now" type.
(I'm also mildly terrified, if that is possible, that after all this I'll find I'm not actually interested in education reform, and that international relations is what it always claimed to be, my true passion. I'll address that at an indefinite later.)
3 comments:
I love you. And only wish that two lonelies could cancel one another out even though they are in separate cities...... have I said I'm excited to see you in October? Because I am.
You are inspired. I am at an interesting place socially and I felt a twinge of the lonely tonight for the depth of boston friendships. Your post made me not feel so lonely in that. Thanks. I finally caught up on blogs. I commented on the writing post you made below. You are sweet.
Savanna, I like it that you take life seriously. That's how you're able to enjoy it so much!
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